Starry Skies and all the Beasts Below
by ciderwriter
Summary: A series of snapshots into the life of Remus Lupin during his school years at Hogwarts, along with Sirius, James, Peter and Lily. Mostly fluff with some darker aspects. Eventual WolfStar.
1. 1st Year - Observing New Dynamics

"Boys, up the stairs and to the right." The prefect, a seemingly nice and approachable fifth year, directed them kindly, pointing to the stairs in question.

A part of Remus wanted to stay in the common room for a bit, but it was already crowded with the older students and he felt more confident in following the three other Gryffindor first years up the stairs. So, reluctantly, he dragged his eyes from the roaring fire and the plush sofas that he could see himself working in so clearly in his mind.

He'd been sat near the other boys at dinner, but not next to them. He'd been sat with two very nice, chatty girls called Lily and Marlene. They'd already agreed a time to meet in the library at the weekend to do their homework together- apparently they were both as eager to do well as he was. Lily was a muggle-born, so her excitement was understandable. He wasn't so sure about Marlene, she'd only really talked about her mum, so she had to be at least a half-blood. Not that it mattered. They hadn't cared either, which had been reassuring.

The boys had seemed very nice too, even though he hadn't spoken to them. As he followed them up the stairs, he got the feeling they were probably pure-blood. They just seemed to have a confidence about them, as though they already owned the school. One of them was small and over-excited, with a kind face. Another had the messiest hair Remus had ever seen, hair his mother would insist needed brushing, and glasses. The other boy, Black, he thought his name was, was well-spoken and rather self-assured.

"Bit dark, isn't it?" The mad-haired boy commented as they filed into the room. He had a point, Remus thought. The curtains and walls were dark red, and the only light came through thin windows and a few bedside candles.

"I think it's brilliant. This much red and gold would give my mother a heart attack." Black said, grinning. His smile was sort of infectious.

"Not your father?"

"Nah. He's insane, don't get me wrong, but he cares less about Houses and more about grades. As long as I do well, he'll just ignore me as usual."

"Pleasant." The boy laughed out loud, laying back on his bed easily.

Remus moved to his own bed, undoing his tie finally. He hated the feeling of being restricted, it made him feel choked. The first few transformations he'd had, at the ministry, they'd caged, chained and collared him. It had been torture, to the point where he could barely remember it; he'd blocked it from his memory. But he remembered hating it, and that was enough to like having his neck free of restraints. The same went for the dark. At home, his mother had made sure everything in their home was bright, light and airy to make up for the one night a month that he had to be locked away.

"I'm James, by the way. We haven't met yet." The messy haired boy introduced himself, watching Remus as he sat on his bed. "James Potter."

"Remus Lupin." He replied, smiling.

"Cool name. This is Sirius Black, if you hadn't already heard." James teased his friend, and Remus understood the dynamic at once. James and Sirius had become fast friends, but James was clearly the leader. "And that's Peter."

"Did you want Gryffindor, Remus?" Peter asked, speaking for the first time in Remus' hearing. His voice fitted his face entirely; slightly meek and yet determined.

"It was this or Ravenclaw. I'd have been happy with either." He admitted. "How about you?"

"I was certain I was destined for Hufflepuff. That's where both my parents went." Peter replied, pulling a chocolate bar from inside his robes and unwrapping it.

"With no offence intended, darling, I admit I was certain you were a Hufflepuff too." Sirius said, still grinning that wonderful grin. "But that doesn't mean we're any less pleased to have you." His tone- his entire demeanour was one of complete teasing. It was like he'd adopted a persona of confidence and he was using it to its full effect. Arrogance was a good defence mechanism. Remus had tried it, once, but it hadn't really worked out for him. He'd realised he was better at keeping quiet, and to himself.

"Well I always knew I was a Gryffindor. It's in my blood and, let's be honest, gold really brings out my eyes." James said. He was equally as ridiculous, and completely in sync with Sirius.

"That either means you wear gold regularly at home or you're just basing this fact of something your mother told you. Either way, the outcome isn't good for you." Remus spoke up, instantly regretting it. He was only teasing, but what if they took it the wrong way? What if his mother was dead? What if-

"It's probably both, Remus." Sirius joined in, before promptly bursting out laughing.

"Har-Har. Very funny." James rolled his eyes. "Let's see how cocky you are at mail tomorrow when you get your mother's howler."

Remus looked to Sirius for explanation, and the boy folded his arms.

"I come from a long line of Slytherin, pure blood fanatics. Please, don't underestimate the sincerity with which I speak. They're insane. One of my delightfully inbred cousins in Slytherin will have already reported back to my mother who will likely pull me from Hogwarts by the end of this week."

"I bloody-well hope they don't."

"So, you're not a pure-blood fanatic?" Remus asked, just for confirmation. If the pure-blood across from him was prejudiced solely for blood, he was going to have to work extra hard to hide his affliction- and he was already keeping that a secret anyway.

"Merlin, no. Are you muggle-born then? Most people recognise names like Potter and Black. We're old money, you see."

"My blood can _actually_ be traced back to Merlin." James interjected, smirking. But it wasn't cocky. It was teasing- probably true- but teasing, nonetheless.

"No." Remus replied. "I'm half-blood. My father's a wizard."

"Ah, I see." And then, the subject was dropped and James rubbed his stomach, as though in agony. "I'm so full. I shouldn't have had second pudding. I don't know how on earth you're still eating, Peter."

Peter shrugged, opting to remain silent as his mouth was still full.

"What do you say, chaps, pyjamas and then a little plotting?" Sirius said suddenly, clapping his hands together menacingly.

"Plotting?" Peter asked, his nerves surfacing once more.

"Of course, my dear Petey." The grin showed again, as Sirius crawled to the end of his bed and opened his trunk, revealing a bag of what looked like Dung-bombs. "Let's start this year as we intend to live it. Wreaking havoc."

"My darling Sirius, I couldn't agree more." James replied, pulling a bag of what had to be more pranking gear from his own bag. "And, what's more, I have the perfect tool." He said, then pulling out a cloak made of shimmery silver material. An invisibility cloak.

Remus stared at it for a moment. Invisibility cloaks were rare and extremely valuable- it had to be an old Potter heirloom. He then looked to James, who was beaming with pride at his possession, and then to Sirius who couldn't have looked more ecstatic if he were surrounded by gold, girls and food. Peter simply looked confused; he didn't know what the cloak was. And as Remus joined the others in changing for bed, he had an overwhelming sense that spending seven years with these bizarre, eccentric boys would be both the greatest and most ridiculous years of his life.

* * *

This is my first contribution to the WolfStar community. It's a series of snapshots into Remus Lupin's life at Hogwarts, heavily influenced by a number of headcanons I've seen on tumblr. Constructive criticism is welcome.


	2. 1st Year - A Bedtime Story

Tonight marked the end of Remus' first week at Hogwarts. It was safe to say that it had been the greatest week of his entire life. The castle had proven to be beyond all his wildest expectations but what he loved most of all were his friends. James, Sirius and Peter were the best. They were funny and confident, something he could only ever aspire to be, and willingly obnoxious. But he loved it. Sirius and James were already the ring-leaders, but he didn't mind. He was happy to just be included, and he felt he probably had a higher standing than Peter, who was very nice but somewhat meek. Peter, like him, was a follower rather than a leader.

They had become very close very quickly. It probably wasn't normal. They sat together in every lesson, ate together, explored together and even got their first points taken off Gryffindor House together. The first few nights they'd stayed up so late talking that they'd ended up falling asleep in pairs, two to a bed. It wasn't awkward, like Remus might have expected, it was just natural. And the boys sometimes teased him for always reading, sure, but it was never cruel. They teased Peter for the silly misunderstandings he seemed to have at least twice a day, James on his ridiculous hair and Sirius on his ridiculously eccentric charm- charm he wouldn't even tone down for Professors, like McGonagall. All in all, Remus decided as he laid back into his bed, he couldn't have asked for better new friends. Even if it didn't last, he would treasure these memories forever.

"I can't sleep." Peter suddenly said, miserably, breaking the silence of the dorm.

"Me neither." Sirius replied sullenly.

"I could, if you'd shut up." James' voice came, muffled from behind his drawn curtains. It hadn't taken Remus very long to realise that James, as an only child coming from a large house, was used to silence at night. It wasn't exactly a problem, and they didn't take it personally when he drew his curtains at night.

"I think I'm homesick." Peter continued, as if the other's had never spoken.

"Merlin, I'm not." Sirius interjected. From everything Sirius had told them about his family, Remus couldn't blame him for not missing home. But he suspected Sirius was lying anyway. Everything to do with family was always more complicated than people liked to admit. Nothing was ever black and white.

"Can someone distract me?" Peter then asked, sounding awfully childlike. Remus imagined that Peter had been trying especially hard all week to live up to his brave Gryffindor name. He knew he certainly had.

"Remus?" Sirius asked after a moment of silence.

"Uh… I could read to you?" Remus suggested reluctantly, praying they turned him down. He loved reading, but only in his head. What if he was a terrible reader and they started to think he was stupid?

"Okay!" Peter sounded more cheerful already. "What?"

"Well, you can choose between Hogwarts: A History, or Oliver Twist."

"Who's Oliver Twist?" Sirius asked, perplexed.

"It's a novel about an Orphan boy in a Victorian Workhouse. It's a muggle classic by a very famous author."

"Oh. The muggle one. My mother would hate it." He replied, and so Remus swallowed his nerves and began to read. The sentences became paragraphs, then pages, then a chapter, and before he knew it he was halfway through chapter two.

"Peter?"

"He fell asleep already." Sirius replied quietly. "You're a good reader. No wonder you do it so often."

"Thanks." Remus replied, unsure of whether that was really a compliment or not. "Do you really not miss home, Sirius?" He asked, in spite of himself.

"Yes." He replied. "I miss my little brother. I worry about him a lot. I think being alone with my crazy parents for another two years will turn him into one of them. Not that I can do anything about it. Why, do you?"

"I suppose, a little. But I think I still prefer Hogwarts. Do you think that's wrong? Are we meant to miss home like Peter?"

"I'm not sure." He sounded contemplative. Sirius only ever dropped his eccentric confidence when they were alone. "I mean, James loves his parents, but he isn't that homesick. Probably because he knows home will be there waiting for him at Christmas. Peter knows that too, but his parents probably never gave him the same sort of independence that Jamsie had, so he's scared to be alone now. But _we're_ a family and the sooner he realises that, the happier he'll be here."

"I'd never thought of it that way." Remus' parents hadn't given him any sort of independence since he had been bitten. Probably out of guilt, or something, his mother waited on him hand and foot. But that only served to make him feel worse. Besides, Sirius was right. They were a family and, as long as they didn't know his secret, he'd enjoy it. "I'm not going home for Christmas."

"I might never spend another Christmas at home again. When we graduate, we'll be adults. We'll have jobs and houses of our own." Sirius hadn't sounded as chipper all evening as he did now.

"Goodnight, Sirius." Remus smiled, turning off his bedside lamp.

"Goodnight, Remus."


	3. 1st Year - Going Home

For the first time in a very long time, Remus found himself having fun. In fact, he was having fun on a daily basis. James and Sirius were completely bizarre; a perfect combination of arrogance, charm and intelligent wit. The banter was constant and Remus adored it. It was a new sensation to feel part of something and, whilst he wasn't particularly fond of some of the stunts they pulled, he decided against questioning them. Besides, Snape was equally as terrible as they were and he wasn't even doing it to be funny. The boy seriously creeped Remus out, he seemed intentionally malicious. But Lily seemed to trust him, so Remus just tried to stay out of his way.

Lessons at Hogwarts were better than he'd even imagined. So far, he found he loved Defence against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration, but he hated Potions. He was just terrible at it, already, and despite Lily's best efforts it didn't seem like he was about to improve. What's more, Professor Slughorn didn't seem to realise he even existed. He quite liked Sirius and James, and he loved Lily, but it was as though Remus wasn't even in the room sometimes. Not that he minded going unnoticed; it meant he could avoid getting set extra homework.

His favourite place to be was the common room, in front of the fire. When James and Sirius were out of energy, the four of them would steal a sofa and squeeze on together. Remus could just imagine the winters of years to come, happy and safe by the warm fire. It was a small consolation to the knowledge of what his future actually entailed. Full moons that never ended and lying to his friends.

"Hey Remus, we're going to go find Mrs Norris and see if we can dye her fur yellow." James asked, bounding into the boys dormitory. "Wanna come?"

"I can't, sorry." He attempted a smile. "I'm going home to see my mum for the weekend." He gestured to the half-packed rucksack on his bed. He'd been distracted from packing for a long while now, doing anything to avoid the reality of what he was actually doing over the weekend.

"Again?" James asked, dumping his cloak, bag and tie on his own bed. He and Peter had gone to watch the Gryffindor Quidditch team practicing for their upcoming match after dinner, and so had only just returned to the tower.

"Yeah. She has this muggle illness." Remus lied, quietly. He'd already thought up a whole, intricate cover story about the imaginary treatment she was having and how it tore apart her immune system so that she couldn't see him at any other point in the month, but he doubted James would ask.

"Oh man, that sucks. Anything I can do?"

"No, but thanks. Have fun trying to hunt down a cat in a massive castle." Remus pointed out, dryly, though his expression was one of affection. James was an idiot, he thought, but not in a bad way. In an overly-ambitious, ridiculously amusing way.

"Ugh, tell me about it." James laughed. "Makes me wish I had a map of this place."


	4. 1st Year - Of Misery and Music

"One down, six to go." James said brightly.

They had less than two hours before they had to be at the station to catch the train home for the summer, and not one of them had even started packing. They'd just returned from breakfast and the task seemed far more daunting than it had done previously. All their belongings had gotten mixed up. Remus knew for a fact that Sirius had one of his jumpers, but he had Sirius' dress shoes and several of Peter's books.

"Stop sounding so chipper." Sirius replied. He'd been in a bitter mood all morning. Remus wasn't sure if it was because he was angry about having to go home for the summer, or if it was because he was scared to. Whatever the reason, he seemed to have talked with James about it. They shared a brother like bond and Remus knew it. He wasn't jealous, though, because it was such a glorious thing to behold.

"No, I will not." James replied defiantly, dumping a few pairs of shoes into the bottom of his trunk - without a hint of organisation. Remus forced himself to look away; he had long since come to terms with James' messy ways. "Come on, Sirius. Cheer up. You're home for three weeks! That's nothing. And then you'll be at mine for the rest of the summer! And next September, we'll be second years and I can dazzle you all with my wonderful Quidditch mastery."

" _You_ spend three weeks with my mother and then tell me it's nothing." Sirius replied, grumpily. "And I don't care about Quidditch. Flying messes up your hair."

"I know. Great, isn't it? Evans will simply swoon for it." James laughed, but the truth was Remus wasn't sure if he thought it was a joke or if James truly believed Lily would fall for him. "It's a shame you can't come to mine earlier, Remus."

"Yeah, sorry about that." Remus murmured, carefully folding his shirts. He'd told the other's he was going on holiday to visit his mother's relatives. In reality, he'd be locked in a basement terrified that it would be the night the wolf would escape and murder his own parents. But they didn't need to know that.

"Oh, bloody hell. You're miserable too! What's wrong with you, Remus?"

"Nothing." He replied quickly, making an attempt to be confident but instead coming across as defensive. He sighed. "Just tired, sorry." He amended, with a forced gentility. "I'm going to go see if our bags are still in the common room." He excused himself and hurried out to the stairs.

The summer sun made the Gryffindor Tower unfathomably hot, and he leaned his back against the cool stone of the wall for a moment to try and calm his anxieties.

He felt terribly guilty about not wanting to go home. It wasn't like Sirius; he did miss his parents. But they stifled him. Home meant trying to convince his parents he was happy and that he didn't blame them, but watching the guilt tear them apart anyway. Home meant the basement and the total fear of hurting his family, knowing they were just a floor above and listening to him screaming as he transformed. Home just wasn't good for him.

"Hey Remus." Sirius' voice startled him. For all his wolf-heightened senses, he'd somehow missed his friend joining him on the stairs. "Sorry about James, he's a bit excited. Are you alright?"

 _Are you alright?_

The words were spoken like a promise and it made Remus' chest hurt. He trusted that, if he told the truth, Sirius wouldn't tell. He might hate him and run away, but he'd never tell his secret. But he couldn't bear telling the truth, so he kept quiet instead, attempting to nod in assurance.

"Is it your mum, is she really ill again?" Sirius pressed on, concernedly.

"She's…" He didn't even know what to say. "I don't know." He finally whispered, almost ready to admit everything. It felt positively cruel to lie about the health of his mother to protect his own friendships.

But Sirius didn't take it to mean what it should. Remus supposed Sirius thought he was unaware of the severity of her illness and so he stepped forwards and hugged him. They'd hugged before, of course. In fact, they'd shared a bed on more than one occasion. There were truly no boundaries between the boys when they were in the confines of their dorm. But this particular hug conveyed more than anything spoken all year had done. It was comforting and wonderful, and it reminded him of why he adored Sirius Black so much.

"Hey, I want to show you something." He said, quickly, when Sirius pulled away. He took his hand and dragged him down the stairs, into the common room, where he quickly located his satchel.

"I asked my parents to send me this last week." He explained, pulling a brown package from his bag and holding it up to show Sirius. They'd all been very curious when he'd received it at breakfast, but he'd wanted to keep it a secret and so had put it in his bag. He figured they'd all forgotten about it in the days since.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, frowning, as Remus pulled the paper away to reveal the hand-sized device.

"It's a muggle music player. It's called a Walkman. You can't use it around too much magic because it interferes with the system, so it'd be pointless here, but I thought if you're at home or going for a walk, you could use it to distract yourself." As he thought about it now, his confidence rapidly waned. What if it put Sirius in danger? What if Sirius thought it was a stupid idea and hated him for it.

"Remus… this is… it's incredible." Sirius said suddenly, grinning at him one of his brightest, most wonderful grins. "I love it! Does it really have muggle music in?"

"Yeah. There's one album in by the Rolling Stones, and in the case there's a mix tape." Remus said, daring to smile because his gift had worked out. He quickly demonstrated how to insert tapes, smiling at the look of wonder on Sirius' face at the muggle technology.

"Thank you, Remus. This really is amazing." Sirius finally said, tucking the Walkman into his own bag.

"It's no problem. I'll try and get you some better tapes if you still like it after the summer. Come on, we should go and pack."


	5. 2nd Year - A Blissful Summer

~Coarse language from here on out~

* * *

Remus stepped out of the fireplace, coughing slightly. He'd accidentally inhaled some ash, he thought.

"Oh, darling, let me get that for you." A warm voice said, and he felt his trunk being pulled from his grip. "Here." She handed him a tissue, rubbing his back gently.

"Thank you, ma'am." He smiled, already taking a liking to Mrs Potter. She was exactly how James had described her; old and motherly, with a house that smelled of home-made baking.

"You must be Remus." Mrs Potter said kindly. "The Boys are out in the field playing Quidditch. Should be easy to spot. I'll take your trunk up to Jamie's room and you go find them. Tell them lunch will be ready in an hour."

"Yes, Mrs Potter. Thank you."

"It's Euphemia, please." She corrected amiably.

Remus nodded, politely, before hurrying out the open patio doors into the garden. Or, rather, gardens. The grounds were massive. He could see a stream at the end of the field and some woods just to the right that seemed to spread all around that side of the house and beyond. As he looked back, the house itself looked very old and grand.

"Remus!" He heard them shouting before he saw them, and suddenly three boys on brooms were pelting towards him at alarming paces.

James reached him first, dismounting his broom and throwing his arms around him. "You're here! We four are complete again!" He cheered, throwing his fist up in the air triumphantly. "How's your mum?"

"A little better, thanks." Remus lied, distractedly. James had shot up over the summer, and Sirius had too. Even Peter had lost some baby fat and was now looking peculiar and disproportionate.

"Come here, my darling child." Sirius said, joining them, doing a very accurate impression of Mrs Potter, throwing his arms around Remus, who burst out laughing, pushing him back.

"Piss off, Black."

"Language child." Peter remarked, touching down.

"Sorry. How are you all? Good Summers?"

"Superb. I went out with a beautiful Spanish girl." Peter declared, excitedly, whilst Sirius and James rolled their eyes behind him. Whilst he was happy that Peter was happy, his friends' reactions did make him question the validity of his statement.

"Excellent," James continued. "I got bought a new broomstick before Quidditch trials."

"Absolutely wonderful." Sirius said. "I survived long enough to make it here!"

"Huzzah!"

"Hooray!"

The boys began to cheer and whoop, waving their brooms in the air. Remus simply stood watching them, laughing. They were just as insane as ever… nothing had changed over the summer. And he could only pray that everything stayed like this forever; a blissful summer, out in the fields with his three best friends.


	6. 2nd Year - A Beautiful Sky and Hugging

The last thing on earth that Remus needed to cope with before a full moon was an extra essay on the importance of moonstone as an ingredient, just because he happened to forget to add it to his project in his potions lesson. The entire subject was pointless. He was never going to brew anything when he left school, probably. Who needed a weakening potion on a daily basis, anyway? Slughorn was just picking on him and there was nothing he could do about it.

"Hey Remus." James said, striding into the dormitory. He was muddy and sweaty, having just returned from Quidditch practice, and looked rather unlike himself. That was to say, he looked sombre.

"James. Good practice?" He replied amiably, before continuing to write his essay.

"Yeah, it was good."

Remus truly couldn't concentrate on his essay now- James sounded completely out of sorts. He placed it on his bedside table and sat up straight, watching his friend.

"It got dark pretty early tonight. The sky was so amazingly clear. All the stars were out. And the moon."

Fear. Heart racing. Remus swallowed, forcing himself to maintain eye contact with James as if nothing had changed. As if that very word didn't frighten the life out of him.

"Almost full. It was so beautiful." James continued. His movements were stiff and it was becoming harder and harder for Remus to pretend this was going to end nicely. And then, James asked something that made his legs feel weak. "How's your mum, Remus?"

"James…" He began, nervously, but James already knew the answer. He raked a hand through his messy hair, paling.

"You are, aren't you? You're a werewolf."

"James-." Remus tried, standing up and wringing his hands together, anxiously.

"Two years of friendship and you never told us."

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry I lied, and I'm sorry if you hate me. I'm a monster. I'll go speak to Dumbledore, I'll drop out, but please don't tell anyone else till I'm gone. Please, James?!"

"Hey…" James had rushed across the room within a second and encapsulated Remus in the tightest hug of his life so far. "You are _not_ a monster. You're my friend, and you're not going anywhere."

. . .

James had told Peter and Sirius individually, on Remus' behalf, and whilst he didn't know what their initial reaction was, he was beyond grateful for the support they showed to him in person. Peter had sat next to him at breakfast the morning he was told, wrapped an arm around his shoulder and hugged him briefly, before carrying on with breakfast as though nothing had changed.

When Sirius was told, he found Remus studying in the library, dragged him away from Lily, and hugged him fiercely. Tighter than James had, even. The embrace conveyed so much that Remus was almost overcome with tears and he gripped on to his friends' cloak until he was sure he could compose himself. Sirius had been raised a pure-blood fanatic, and whilst he rejected everything his family stood for, in a way Remus had been most concerned about Sirius. What if he'd retained a singular prejudice about werewolves? That would have been just his luck.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Sirius asked, pressing their foreheads together and placing a hand on either side of Remus' face. They were so close, Remus could feel the heat of his breath and it was highly distracting. He tried to think about his answer. Why had he lied? He knew from the start it wouldn't last. But, he supposed, it was nice to pretend for a little while. To live in the bubble and only step out of it once a month.

"Fear." He replied succinctly. "I'm sorry, Sirius."

"You have nothing to apologise for, Remy. But you're needed here, and if you ever suggest leaving again I'll skin you alive." Sirius winked, half-heartedly, but it managed to make Remus' smile, anyway. "And don't get too cosy with Evans, or James'll skin you too. See you later."

With that, Sirius kissed his forehead and swept back out of the Library again. Remus watched him, grinning. As he left, Sirius looked around him in amazement, as though he'd not been in the Library before, and Remus couldn't help but laugh out loud before returning to his table with Lily.

"What was all that about?" She asked, amusedly.

"Just Sirius being Sirius." He replied, shrugging, trying to fight off the smile overwhelming his face.

"You guys are so weird. And was Sirius wearing nail-varnish?" Lily asked.

"Yeah. He does that now. It's attractive, don't you think?"

"Mergh. Marlene seems to think so, anyway. Come on, back to Charms."

….

"Okay. We are gathered here today to discuss the fluffy affliction of our beloved Remus Lupin." James declared to their dorm, standing on his bed. Remus watched him lazily; this wasn't a discussion he wanted to have. But the others probably deserved answers and they'd been so nice, he couldn't exactly refuse. But, he knew for certain, his little bubble was definitely broken.

"One sec-." Sirius called from the bathroom. He exited shortly after, still combing product through his hair ready for the day.

"Now that Prince Charming over there is thoroughly pampered." James said brightly, "Remus has agreed to answer our questions. As the chair of this meeting, I'll go first!" He coughed, feigning importance. "When were you bitten, Remus?"

Reluctantly, Remus dragged himself up to a sitting position and met his friend's gaze. "I was six. My father had offended a pack-leader. He broke in through my bedroom window."

The smiles and jokes were gone, faded into horror and, on Peter's face, nausea.

"Shit."

"It wasn't so bad. I passed out pretty early on, woke up in Mungo's. Been transforming ever since. At first I had to go to the Ministry. They locked me in a cage, but then my Parents managed to bring me home. I get locked in the basement."

"Fucking hell, Remus. That's brutal. Does it hurt?"

Remus paused, contemplating lying. But he couldn't. What would be the point, now? "Yes." He admitted softly.

"Like, how?"

"Before the moon, it's not so bad. I get tense and anxious, very moody. Liable to snap."

"That explains why you jinxed Snivellus last week." Sirius said suddenly, grinning. Remus continued, ignoring him.

"Because I'm confined to small places… because I don't have any prey, the wolf turns on itself. That's where I get all my scars. I tear myself to shreds once a month. And then after the full moon, the symptoms vary. Usually aches and pains. Pulled muscles, exhaustion."

"That sucks." Peter offered up, grimly.

"Yeah."

"Where do you go?"

"The Shrieking Shack. Madam Pompfrey leads me out; there's a secret passage under the Whomping Willow. There's a knot in a branch you press to get it to calm so you can go through."

"Nice." Sirius said appreciatively.

"No offence, Remus, but how did you get to Hogwarts?" Peter piped up again, much to the amusement of James and Sirius who began laughing.

"Think it through, Petey." Sirius said.

"Dumbledore, of course. Who else?"

"My parents were in discussions from the moment I first transformed." Remus informed them. "When Dippet was headmaster, it didn't seem like it was going to happen. I owe everything to Dumbledore."

"Is there anything we can do? To make it easier, I mean?"

"Find a cure?" Remus suggested, before shaking his head. "No. Thanks for the offer, but pretty much everything would put you in danger."

"So nothing appeases the wolf?" Sirius asked, suddenly thoughtful.

"Just fighting with other animals- but that only happened once, I swear. I accidentally got out the basement. But no-one can ever find out. They'd lock me up." Remus suddenly found himself pleading with his friends, and they were assuring him all at once that they'd do no such thing. He believed them. Or, at least, he told himself he did, but the fear that they'd turn on him was almost sickening and it was something he knew he'd need to get over.


	7. 2nd Year - Melodrama and Puberty

~Coming out scene ahead~

* * *

"God, can someone swap places with me?" Sirius asked suddenly, at dinner.

"What? Why?"

"Just looking at it makes me sick. Come on, someone!" He said, already sliding under the table and climbing out the other side. Remus groaned, shaking his head.

"No way. My back is broken. James has to move."

They waited as James slipped under the table and emerged at the other side, with his hair in a dire state. Remus was almost convinced he'd paused to mess it up a little under the table, just for effect.

"What was it, anyway?" Remus asked, glancing over his shoulder. He soon located the problem. Regulus, Sirius' younger brother, sat at the Slytherin table with his older cousins.

"I mean, the welcome feast was bad enough with them treating him like some goddamn prince, but I thought the coddling of him would stop after the first night." Sirius complained, stabbing James' leftover lasagne angrily with his fork.

"It's only for this year, Sirius, and then they'll all have graduated. Regulus will be just another kid." James reasoned gently. "When did you last speak to him?"

"I tried last week. He just told me I was a blood traitor and that I was lucky mother and father aren't aware of _'the true betrayals I commit to everything we stand for every day._ '" Sirius rolled his eyes, bitterly. "The little gits only doing it because he thinks I'm secretly jealous. Just wait, in six years' time he'll be kneeling before Voldemort and wishing he paid attention to his stupid, blood traitor brother." The hurt underneath the anger was frighteningly obvious. Remus knew- they all knew- that Sirius' predictions could very well become a reality. The world was in a dire state, and the outlook wasn't good for a Slytherin pure-blood with a family that sympathised with you-know-who.

"There's hope yet, Sirius. Like James said, just wait until Narcissa's gone." Remus attempted to comfort him, though he quickly realised that there was no point. He was an only child. He had no idea the kind of bond people shared with siblings, and he certainly didn't know what it was like to grow up in a house filled with hate.

"Yeah, I know." Sirius sighed. "God, imagine if they did know just how bad it was. Like, hi mum and dad, I know I've already disappointed you by becoming a Gryffindor- but what I neglected to mention was that my three best friends consist of Hufflepuff spawn, a blood traitor whose father currently dominates the beauty industry, and a queer werewolf with a love of muggle literature."

Remus froze, suddenly finding it very hard to breathe. It was sort of like his throat had contracted, except it hadn't, he'd just forgotten how to take a breath.

"Queer?" He finally asked, trying not to choke. The three boys looked up at him, half concerned and half amused.

"Well, yeah." James said, as if it were the most obvious thing on earth.

"Didn't you know?" Peter asked, which only made him feel worse. Peter was always the last to get things, not him. Not that there was anything to get.

"No- I'm not."

"You aren't?" Sirius frowned. "I've never once seen you look at a girl, Remus, and let's be honest- you hit puberty before we did. Peter is yet to even join us." He laughed.

"Okay, fair enough. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gay. C'mon, not everyone is like James and falls in love at eleven!" He felt rather like he was fighting a losing battle. He didn't believe himself, and the looks on his friends' faces suggested they didn't quite believe him either. They also seemed to suggest that it wasn't as big a deal as he was making it out to be, which was only mildly comforting.

"Well, I guess time will tell. But don't, you know, freak out or anything." James smiled.

"Hi, I'm Sirius Black, I'm bisexual." Sirius said jovially, extending his hand theatrically as if they were meeting for the first time. Remus rolled his eyes; they already knew that. Sirius had only been in Hogwarts for a day or so before he'd already winked at both Dumbledore and McGonagall. Despite Remus' derision, Sirius continued, "This is Peter, he's anything-that-breathes-sexual. And that's James Potter, he's Lily-Evans-Sexual."

Unfortunately for Sirius, Lily had heard her name from a little way down the table and he was hit in the face with a flying chip before he'd even stopped laughing at his own apparent hilarity. She glared at him, viciously, before returning to her conversation with Marlene.

"Ouch. Fucking hell, James, are you sure she's the one for you?" Sirius asked, rubbing his cheek tenderly. At that, Remus burst out laughing. Yet again, his friends had surprised him with their utter ridiculous acceptance, and though he was still certain it would never last, he wasn't about to start complaining.


	8. 3rd Year - Anxieties and Distractions

For the first time since starting at Hogwarts, it was the full moon in the first week back. In fact, it was the second night back. The knowledge of the pain he had coming somewhat dampened his excitement about returning to school. He'd barely touched the welcome feast, miserable whilst all around him had been overly excited. He wasn't even remotely amused when Sirius' and James' infamous welcome feast prank showed up. This year, James had learnt a charm to make Dumbledore's hair flow in a multitude of colours.

Dumbledore could have easily cancelled the charm, and they all knew it, but he was perfectly content to enjoy the feast with rainbow hair. He even raised his goblet in their direction, somehow knowing exactly who had pranked him.

Objectively, Remus knew it was whole school laughing was indication enough of that. But he was too wrapped up in his own anxiety that he would barely feel it.

When they returned to the Gryffindor Tower, James and Peter stayed downstairs to take all the credit for the prank, whilst Sirius followed Remus upstairs quietly.

"Thanks for sending me those tapes, Remy. They got me through the summer." Sirius said as they entered the dormitory. It was a relief to see his bed, warm and welcoming, though he knew he wouldn't be sleeping tonight.

"No problem. How was it?" Remus replied, already changing out of his robes and in to his pyjamas. Sirius hadn't been able to spend as much time at the Potters' as he had the previous summer; his family had dragged him on a tour of pure-blood families for a month.

"Insufferable. Someone told me half-bloods were too weak to live and I asked him how inbreeding was working out for him. My mother nearly beat me to death." Remus didn't doubt for one moment that Sirius was telling the truth, he'd seen the scars. What was curious about the statement, Remus found, was that Sirius' tone wasn't particularly bitter- which was unusual when he was talking of his family.

"But I made Regulus snort into his wine." Sirius continued, a small, proud smile gracing his features. His eyes were glazed, as though in disbelief that there might still be hope for his little brother.

"That's great, Sirius." Remus encouraged.

"I know. I think I can still break through to him, you know? It's like he knows they're insane but he's scared."

"I imagine I'd be scared to turn my back on pure-bloods if I were in slytherin too." Remus attempted a smile. "Just give it time."

They were quiet for a while then. Remus brushed his teeth and got into bed with a book, trying to ignore the sound of the shower going. Because that sound made him think of the boy in the shower, and that caused more mental anguish than he needed at that moment.

Sirius re-entered the dorm in his pyjama bottoms and Remus forced himself to look down at his book. His bare chest was so beautiful and his hair was now almost shoulder length, just waiting for Remus' fingers to wind through it-

"You look stressed dear." Sirius said quietly and Remus looked up, realising what he was doing. Absent-mindedly, his fingers had ripped at his book until the top of his page looked like it had been jammed into a shredder.

"Oh crap." He groaned, reaching for his wand to repair the damage. The book, thankfully, was not a library book and so he could avoid the wrath of the vicious librarian. But it was his mother's.

"Worried about tomorrow?"

"I'm always worried about tomorrow." Remus replied vapidly. "I'm just pissed off that it's so soon. I just wanted a nice first week back without having to worry about the goddamn fucking moon." The anger came out all at once, and suddenly he was stood up and pacing the dorm. "I should be thrilled. I should be ecstatic that I don't have to spend another month locked in the basement, but I'm not. I'm terrified. It fucking hurts, Sirius."

"I know." Sirius replied. "You want to punch something?"

"No." Remus spat, and then he sighed. "I don't want to be angry. I just need something to distract me."

Sirius sat up, crossing his legs and looking pensive. "Have you ever tried braiding hair?"

"What?"

"Like girls do." Sirius said, shrugging. "I used to braid Andromeda's hair when she was pissed off at Narcissa and Bella."

"No."

"Try it. On me." Sirius shuffled forwards, gesturing for Remus to sit behind him. He did so, tentatively, staring at the beautiful hair in front of him. "Just trust me and do it."

Uncertainly, he picked up a few locks of hair and began winding them. He kept getting confused, and it took some time before he got into a rhythm. Sirius' hair was soft and luscious to the touch, and it was probably part of the reason he was distracted from doing perfect plaits.

Time must have flown by while he attempted to focus on the hair and his concentration was suddenly broken by the door flying open, and James and Peter flying in.

"I'm terribly sorry, I thought this was the boys' dormitory." James commented, dryly, continuing to stride over to his bed nonetheless.

Remus snorted. Since when had they ever done anything remotely manly? James was, undoubtedly, the most masculine of them all. Peter baked, Remus knitted, and Sirius had long hair, painted nails and called everyone he met a pet name. They weren't the gruffest thirteen year olds in the school, by any measure.

"Pfft. If you even tried to get into the girls dorm, Evans would curse your balls off."

"And then she'd go to McGonagall and still get you in trouble." Remus agreed, laughing.

"I disagree. Just now she called me a complete prat." James said, a merry spring in his step as he stripped to his boxers for bed. "And that, my friend, is a significant improvement on last term."

"You mean when she said she'd rather eat pickled toads than partner with you in potions?"

"Or when she and Marlene pranked you so your robes turned pink in that Ravenclaw match?"

"Fuck off." James simply replied.


	9. 3rd Year - A Very Bad Idea

"Remus!" James jumped up from the floor, hands behind his back, looking much like he did when he was caught trying to prank someone. "I thought you were with Evans."

"Lily got a headache from studying so we called it a day. What are you _doing_?" Remus asked, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. He knew for a fact that Sirius and Peter had hidden behind their beds; he'd seen them physically rolling out of sight.

"Game over, chaps." Sirius said, rolling back into the centre of the room. "I say we tell him."

"Well we'll have to now, won't we." Peter groaned, clambering up off the floor onto his bed.

"Tell me what? What game?" Whilst Remus knew he was often overly anxious and paranoid that all his friends would abandon him, he felt this time his concern was justified. It wasn't often that he found the three of them plotting together. James and Sirius, sure, that was expected. But not Peter too.

"No game." James said quietly. His tone was a complete contrast to the teasing of Sirius. "We've been working on something since we found out about your affliction. We wanted it to be a surprise, so we've been working on it every time you've gone to study with the girls."

"That's why Jamsie hasn't been going mad with jealousy every time you go off to spend time with the future Mrs Potter." Sirius explained, grinning lazily on the floor. He had rolled onto his stomach and he was kicking his feet in the air behind him, childishly.

"Yeah, it's either _that_ or the fact he's gay. Moron." James replied, sarcastically.

"What surprise? What are you doing?" Remus asked, growing more impatient. It had recently been a full moon and he ached all over. The last thing he needed was more trouble-making from his friends.

"We're becoming animagi." James replied. Horror must have washed over his features, because James quickly began to splutter an explanation. "You once said that the only time the wolf felt better was when you were with other animals. So we figured if we could transfigure into animals, we could join you."

"No! No way! That's a terrible idea! Don't you get it?! I'm a monster. I could tear you to shreds. Or worse, bite you! If I let you do this, I'd be betraying Dumbledore's trust and potentially ruining your lives. If I killed one of you, I'd end up in Azkaban. It would be all my fault!"

"Hey- Remus, calm down!" Sirius said, suddenly very close to him, but the panic wasn't budging. A hundred worst-case scenarios were flooding his mind and it was becoming more and more difficult to breathe. "You're going to have a panic attack, just focus on me and breathe." His hands gripped at Sirius' and, after a minute or so, the extreme terror subsided.

"Look. We spent a long time talking about this. We know it's dangerous, but we're going to be careful. You won't hurt us, I promise you. And there's a good chance that Dumbledore already knows what we're doing."

"What?!" Remus asked, wide-eyed.

"Well, we needed a little advice. So I went to McGonagall. I'm pretty sure she got the general gist of what I meant, but she didn't say anything. Actually, she gave me some pretty good advice. I think she's very supportive." James explained, with only a half-hearted arrogance.

"But… the bite?"

"I looked it up. It doesn't affect animals, or even humans in animal form. " Peter grinned. "We're doing this, Remus. Just embrace the insane. You've been managing so far, why start questioning them now?"

Remus didn't reply aloud, but inwardly he was telling Peter about the various ways the wolf would be able to maim them, whether they were in animal form or not. And then there was the matter of the fact that what they were doing was illegal. But, bizarrely, that was the least of his worries.

. . .

"Tell you the truth, mate, the idea scared the crap out of me." Peter said as they strolled through the stands to find a good seat, watching James practice before a match the following week. Sirius had opted to find a broom closet with a girl from Ravenclaw, arguing that the wind would mess up his hair. Remus was well aware that the Ravenclaw would mess his hair up anyway, but he chose not to voice this particular irritation.

"And Sirius too, actually. It was just James who wanted to do it. But then we snuck out one night and went to the Shack."

"You what?!" Remus asked, horrified, staring at his friend.

"Well, _you_ told us how to get in. James threw a stone at the knot and it let us through right away. We just wanted to see what the shack was like once we knew it wasn't actually haunted." He reasoned, shrugging. "Sirius didn't reckon you'd want to come, and you were in the hospital wing anyway. So we went down, and saw the mess it was in,"

Remus could only imagine. In fact, he didn't have to imagine. He saw it once a month. The furniture was in ruins, the carpets and walls were all clawed at and his own blood was testament to the damage he did to himself once a month, without his control.

"And Sirius decided there and then that he was in. Sorry mate, but we can't let you go through that alone every month. You're our friend."

"I'm still not sure." Remus said quietly, trying to ignore everything Peter had just told him. He didn't like knowing that the boys had seen the place he transformed. It felt like his shameful secret. His filthy hovel where he turned in to the monster. "And if I _do_ agree to it, you're not allowed anywhere near me until once I've transformed. I mean it- you never come into the shack until the moon is already up."

"I'm sure the others will agree to that. Why, is that when you're most scary?"

No, Remus thought, that was when he was most scared. But he wasn't going to tell Peter that, and instead began cheering for James- as he scored a goal that was probably very good. James turned and gave him a thumbs up, grinning madly.


	10. 4th Year - A Midnight Swim

**A/N: Warning - Talk of depression and mention of suicide ahead.**

* * *

Remus recognised in its entirety that it was completely moronic to sneak outside the castle, past curfew. He knew it was a stupid idea. The air was bitter cold and for all his layers, gloves and socks, nothing would prevent his bones from aching with the chill. But this was the sort of thing the Marauders lived for. Breaking rules. Being ridiculous. Going for a swim in a lake at midnight, in October.

Of course, Remus had no intention of actually getting into the water. He'd brought his book and a flask of hot-chocolate that Sirius had prepared for him. He swore he could taste a kick of firewhiskey, but he wasn't about to complain. He'd take anything he could get to warm him up by this point. He sat by a tree, drinking with a blanket over his lap. His friends were worryingly loud, but they were laughing and happy, and he couldn't help but ignore his book and watch them with a smile on his face. They were idiots, but they were his friends. And Sirius, Remus thought, looked particularly incredible without a shirt and with his hair wet- though he tried not to focus on that.

"Oh, come on Remus!" James shouted, not for the first time. "Just for a few minutes! It'll make you feel so alive."

"Adrenaline junkie." Remus replied, matter of factly. For a minute, he shook his head, and then began to strip anyway. It wasn't peer pressure so much as a fear of missing out on what they seemed to think was a marvellous experience. Besides, what would an hour or so of pain do in the long run? His friends would distract him from the cold and in a few hours they'd be back in their dorm, exhausted, drinking the last of their hot chocolate and falling asleep in each other's beds after singing and talking until they passed out.

The boys began cheering and splashing as he dived from the path into the water, but the second he hit the water he found he regretted his decision. It wasn't just cold, it was freezing, and suddenly his throat had closed and he couldn't breathe. Getting back to the surface was a struggle, and when he emerged he couldn't even get the breath to tell the others he needed help. He was shivering violently - he couldn't even control his arms to keep himself afloat.

And then Sirius' arms were around him, holding him up, and _he_ was the one calling to James and Peter. Remus could only shake and splutter as he was carried back to dry land. Within a matter of moments, not only his own clothes, but all of their clothes were being wrapped around him in an attempt to warm him up.

"Are you okay, Remus?" Peter asked, worriedly, as James tried to transfigure a towel from a sock to help dry him and only managed a flannel.

He couldn't speak. His throat felt constricted, still. He nodded, anyway, and laid back into the grass. He hadn't felt so utterly humiliated since they'd found out about his affliction.

"No, you're not." Sirius corrected him. The usual teasing and boisterousness was gone, and all that remained was the friend, with concern written across his features. "We're not taking any chances, you're going to the hospital wing." He took back his clothes and began to dress, pulling his shirt over his head quickly.

"What? That's an overreaction Sirius. He'll warm up." James attempted to reason, but Remus secretly agreed with Sirius and was glad when he shook his head.

Sirius could be more stubborn than the rest of them put together when he wanted, and in this case it was a blessing. It wasn't that he wanted to go the infirmary. Remus had realised in first year that he was going to spend more time in that dreaded place than he would ever want to. But, the way he currently felt, he'd be more than happy to go and see Madam Pomfrey.

"No, I'm not risking it. You both go save yourselves. You have Quidditch practices you can't miss, James. I'll take Remus, say it was my fault."

"Sirius-"

"It's fine." Sirius insisted to his friends. "This was a stupid idea, anyway. We'll try again in the summer."

Eventually, he convinced James to take Peter back to the Gryffindor Tower and, whilst still shivering excessively, Remus found his voice again.

"Sirius, I'll be okay."

"You don't know that." Sirius shot back, helping him to his feet. "I saw your face as you were coming, you knew it was a bad idea."

"I just wanted to be able to do the things that you can do." Remus admitted. He knew it was stupid and immature. It wasn't that he felt left out. But the doubts were always there, eating at his self-confidence. Even with everything the boys were doing for him; becoming animagi and risking their lives, he was still scared they'd eventually reject him and replace him with someone… human.

"And I want you to be safe and alive, Remus." Sirius replied quietly. "How's walking? It's your muscles, isn't it, from the transformations?"

"Yeah. They seized up a little. I'm sorry I ruined your evening."

"Remy, stop it. If I'd known this would happen I'd have happily sat in the common room with you listening to the wireless and getting drunk. We're a team, aren't we? So when one of us falls it's my duty to pick you up." He gestured to the way he was practically carrying Remus, and grinned brilliantly.

"I'm being serious." Remus protested. "You're supposed to just offer me a hand, not have to carry me. That's not what friendship is."

"No, I'm Sirius." If possible, his grin widened and delight glittered in his eyes. "Just leave it, Remus. We want to help you. We want to be your friends, and the sooner you accept that the better off you'll be."

They were silent for a little while then, slowly making their way to the third floor. It was difficult to think about what Sirius had told him. All his life, he'd only ever been exposed to people who wanted to help him. His parents, Dumbledore, the boys and Madam Pomfrey. He'd always been protected from the cruel people. But he knew they were there. He knew there were people who wanted him dead, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy the time he had with the kinder people, surely?

"You're going to get in trouble you know." Remus said, as they approached the infirmary. "If you leave me here, I can make up a different excuse."

"No way. I'm making sure you get treated, moron."

Sirius spoke with affection, and Remus didn't mind the insult. He selfishly revelled in the feel of Sirius' arms around him. It wasn't exactly a rare occurrence. As a group of teenage boys, Remus thought they were closer than any others in the Castle, but it worked for them. It worked in first year when he'd climbed into bed with Peter when he was homesick. It worked when Sirius climbed into bed with him after he'd had a nightmare, and it worked when James would fall asleep on a couch in the common room with his long legs strewn over all three of them.

"Mr Lupin, Mr Black?" Madam Pomfrey greeted them as she joined them in the infirmary, shortly after they'd arrived. "What have you done this time, Mr Black?"

"Well, my dear Madam Pomfrey, I'm afraid in our tireless efforts to flaunt every rule in this school, I convinced my darling Remus here to sneak out with me to the Black Lake. I could handle it perfectly well, but I'm afraid Remy here couldn't take the cold." And then his tone because serious once more. "He was shivering, gasping for air and had muscle spasms. I wanted to make sure he was going to be alright."

Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips, seemingly unsure whether to be angry with Sirius or appreciate his concern. When she looked to Remus for approval, he found himself nodding in agreement with Sirius. In reality, it had all happened so quickly and he now found himself so tired that he didn't much know anything anymore.

"Very well. It sounds like cold shock, but it shouldn't do any lasting damage. Mr Lupin is less able to cope with extreme conditions, Mr Black. His body struggles to regulate the same way others do. I'm surprised Mr Pettigrew didn't have an asthma attack, frankly."

Sirius' eyes widened, almost comically. "Oh. Peter wasn't there. Just Remus and I." He said, charmingly, and utterly unconvincingly in Remus' opinion.

"If you say so. I'm going to prescribe medical chocolate, a pain reliever and a mild sleeping potion. You're staying here tonight, Mr Lupin, but you should be fine to head back to Gryffindor Tower in the morning."

"Thank you, Madam Pomfrey." Remus finally spoke up, softly.

"Mr Black. Could you possibly accompany me to my office?" The matron said, already striding to the office in question.

Sirius and Remus exchanged eye contact, and Remus had a particularly unpleasant feeling that his best friend was about to get a significant telling-off.

. . .

Sirius swallowed back his nerves as he closed the office door behind him. "I'm sorry, Madam Pomfrey, I didn't realise what it would do to him-." He began, but the woman shook her head gently.

"Did you really take Remus out, or is that a cover up story?"

"I'm sorry?" Sirius asked, blanking.

"Mr Black, I need to know if you actually saw this happen or if this is something Remus did of his own accord."

"What? No, he- Hang on- do you think he's trying to kill himself?" Sirius asked, paling instantly at the sad look on the woman's face. Never in a million years had he expected that. "No- I swear, we all went out. It was a complete accident." He paused, swallowing again. "Why? Has he tried…?"

"I'm afraid I can't say, Mr Black." Pomfrey said quietly, but she'd practically answered the question anyway and Sirius thought his heart was breaking. "It is not uncommon for Werewolves to develop depression, and there have been so few werewolves as young as Remus. All I'll say is that I'm watching him carefully."

"Should we be?" Sirius asked. He'd never thought Remus ever looked depressed. He got moody before the full moon, sure, but nothing that some chocolate and bedrest couldn't solve. Besides, it was to be expected. If Sirius had to turn into a wolf once a month, he'd probably get a little angsty too, he imagined.

"Not necessarily. I'm just encouraging you to be aware. If there were ever any arguments or anything that might cause his mood to spiral, please inform me." She paused, briefly. "You are a good friend to him, Sirius, but Remus' condition is far more than simply being tentative around him during the full moon. The way it affects him will also change as he gets older. He might cope better or he might not."

"He won't kill himself. He wouldn't. He has to look after us lot." He spoke with much more confidence than he felt, but from that moment on Sirius decided that he would not once take Remus Lupin for granted.


	11. 5th Year - The Beasts Below

"We did it." James whispered, grinning brilliantly, flinging himself into his seat as he joined Remus at the Gryffindor table for dinner. Remus blanked for a moment, and then promptly remembered the 'it' the boys had been working on for the last two years. "We did it! WE ARE THE GREATEST." He suddenly cheered, loudly, receiving more than one confused stare in response.

"Shut up, Potter." Peter said furiously. "You'll draw attention to us."

"Alright, sorry." James said, quietly, still beaming from ear to ear. "I'm a stag, Remus. A beautiful, majestic, red stag." Remus felt slightly numb, staring at his friends.

"It's almost a metaphor for every Hogwarts Ball you've ever been to, isn't it dear?" Sirius interjected, smirking soundly- until James kicked his shin under the table, and he winced.

"I, myself, am a wild beast. A ferocious but loveable dog." Sirius looked proud, but something else was lurking beneath. A supreme delight-

"And I'm a rat." Peter finished, miserably. That did it. Sirius and James erupted into laughter, and probably not for the first time since they'd finished the process.

"I can't be around a rat." Remus said, already worrying about the next full moon. It had been nice to know his friends were willing to do this for him, but now that it was becoming a reality he was terrified. "Peter, I'd tear you apart."

"We know, we know." Sirius began to sober, slightly, wiping a tear from his eye. "Don't worry, we have a plan. A formation, of sorts. We'll be careful." He promised.

For once, Remus decided to let his worry go and trust his 'd made it this far, after all, and they might change their mind after his first transformation anyway.


	12. 5th Year - Never Such Innocence Again

"Remus, are you awake?"

Remus almost groaned with gratitude that he wasn't the only one awake. It was the full moon the following night, and his usual anxieties were weighing heavily on his mind. The dormitory had been almost silent for what felt like hours, and he'd been tossing and turning willing himself to fall asleep. At least now he'd have something to distract him, he thought, as he pulled his curtains across to see Sirius.

"Yes." He said, propping himself up on his elbows to observe his friend. Sirius looked as agitated as Remus felt, and his eyes were pinned on Remus through the darkness.

"Can I get into bed with you?"

"Sure." Remus replied softly. He said yes because he didn't have the heart to turn him down; he never would. But he was already foreseeing the multitude of embarrassing potential moments that might happen in such close proximity with the boy he loved.

He was silent as Sirius traipsed across the room and slid under the covers beside him, and then he asked, "Why can't you sleep?" Sirius had never looked more beautiful. Laying on his side, facing him, Remus could see the outline of his features as the little light of the moon cast on his face. It was no wonder Sirius had his pick of anyone in the school, but Remus felt particularly privileged to get to see him at times like this, when he looked positively angelic, but his eyes were haunted as though he'd been to hell itself.

"Dunno. Worried about you, I guess." Sirius admitted, turning his head so that their foreheads were touching. It wasn't the answer he was expecting. Most nights when Sirius couldn't sleep it was because of nightmares about his parents, or worrying about Regulus. On most nights, he'd channel his hurt into a restlessness to prank someone, dragging James out of bed at ungodly hours to go terrorise some poor soul. It had been a good while since Sirius had been willing to actually talk through what was worrying him.

"Me?"

"Don't sound so bloody shocked." Sirius almost laughed, making an effort to remain quiet and not wake the others. "I do care about you, Remy."

"I know." Remus replied, sheepishly. "I didn't mean to sound shocked. I just don't want to be the reason you can't sleep at night."

Sirius didn't speak for a moment, but Remus could almost hear him thinking. He was mulling over his words, carefully deciding how he wanted to respond. It was a rare occurrence to see Sirius Black thinking before he spoke and it almost made Remus nervous.

"When Madam Pompfrey comes back out the Shack, and we're waiting in the woods, I can't stop myself imagining what you're going through. How alone you are and how much pain you're in..."

"Sirius, it's okay. I survive, don't I? You do so much for me, you can't possibly understand."

"It's not enough." Sirius replied, his voice cracking with genuine pain for him. It both broke Remus' heart and made it flutter with adoration.

"Yes, it is." He insisted gently. "It's more than enough. All those years I spent locked in the basement- it was agony, Sirius. I wanted to die. I almost did, a few times. When my parents unlocked the basement at sun up, the looks on their faces… it killed me." He admitted. It was the first time he'd elaborated on his home life since the others had first found out about his condition. It wasn't something he liked to discuss.

"You make it easier, Sirius. You stop the wolf from taking his frustrations out on me. And you broke the actual law by doing so! I can't ever repay that."

"Okay, so we've done more than anyone else did. But it still isn't good enough. One day, they'll find a cure, and I'll get it for you, Remy. I'll be the first in line." Sirius told him, firmly.

"I know."

Nothing more was said. Remus watched Sirius until he fell asleep, and then for a great deal of time after. He didn't feel remotely sleepy anyway, still worried about the moon. He wasn't sure if either of them had succeeded in making the other feel better. The brief discussion had certainly given Remus more to think about and further fuelled his silent heartache for his best friend.


	13. 5th Year - The Marauders

Fifth year was, so far, a treat. The immense work load was horrific, but his transformations were better than ever. What's more, his friendship with James, Sirius and Peter had been strengthened because of it. Pranks were occurring weekly and they'd even developed a sort of reputation within the school.

The Marauders.

It wasn't exactly a secret identity. Most of the older students knew it was the four cocky Gryffindors from fifth year. But the younger students could only speculate and gossip about the scandalous Hogwarts pranksters. It was no wonder that James and Sirius strode around the school as though they owned the castle. Their reputation only served as further inspiration to pranks and stunts.

"I've been thinking." James said, one evening when he'd returned from Quidditch practice. "We know about the Whomping Willow, right? And like a hundred other secret passages in this castle. So what if we made a map?"

"A map?"

"Exactly! A map that had all of Hogwarts and all the secrets it held on it. Think about how useful that would be for getting around the school?" James grinned, leaning forwards conspiratorially. Remus wasn't sure exactly what he was playing at, but he knew for a fact that they didn't need help getting around the school. They hadn't since first year- though he had to admit, it would have been quite handy the first few weeks.

"We wouldn't need it." He pointed out, lazily. "We already know the passages, James."

"True. But what if we enchanted it to show every person in Hogwarts and where they were. We'd be able to escape teachers or Filch, no matter the time."

"James," Remus began, attempting to explain to his friend the sort of effort that would need to go in to such complex magic. It wasn't unreasonable, no, but they had OWLs to focus on too.

"Imagine how much mischief we could get up to with my invisibility cloak and a map that could get us safely, anywhere in the school." James cut him off, clearly registering his lack of enthusiasm for his idea.

"I LOVE it." Sirius declared suddenly, shooting up out of bed. "Jamsie, we have to do this!"

"I know, right?!" James grinned. "Come on, Remus! You know you want to. And I swear, you won't end up doing all the work. I'll help."

"Fine." Remus said, shrugging. He didn't believe James in the slightest, but he couldn't deny he was fascinated by the idea. If it were possible, it would be an invaluable tool.

"We need secret names." Peter said suddenly. "I know we're the Marauders, but we need codenames too."

"Like?"

"Well, Remus is a wolf and he's always moody near the full moon. So, Moony?"

"Go on." Sirius encouraged, nonchalantly, brushing hair from his shoulders.

"You're a dog, Sirius, so you could be Padfoot. And James has those stupid antlers he always fights with, so he could be prongs?"

"I positively adore everything that just came out of your mouth, my dear Petey, and how many times a year do I get to say that?" Sirius beamed. "You could be Wormtail, because your tail is the last thing we see when you're going down past the knot."

"Oh. Okay." Peter seemed less than thrilled with his own name, but he didn't say anything. Remus almost smiled. He was a rat, after all. What kind of flattering nicknames were there to do with being a rat? Pink tail? Whisker face? It just wasn't going to happen.


	14. 5th Year - Smoking on a Balcony

"I'm going out for a smoke." Remus suddenly declared, throwing his finished essay down. He'd had enough. Being pragmatic, he'd completed his potions essay. He was appalling at potions and so it had made sense to get it done before the Full Moon. His Defence essay, on the other hand, could wait until he was recovering, whether that was in the infirmary or in his bed. Either way, he couldn't force his tense fingers to hold his pen any longer.

"I'll come." Sirius spoke up, dumping his own essay down. In all likelihood, Sirius had not finished his essay. It probably wouldn't get finished on time either, because the full moon would tire Sirius out as well and in the aftermath he'd probably be looking after Remus. Nonetheless, Remus swallowed his guilt, something he did on a daily basis, and nodded.

"Coming Prongs? Wormtail?"

"Nah mate. I really want to get these finished before the match." James replied, without even looking up. His quill continued to move rapidly; a skill all the marauders had picked up. Remus once witnessed James and Sirius verbally plot an entire prank against Professor Slughorn whilst simultaneously completing a Care of Magical Creatures essay.

"Alright."

They made their way out of the Gryffindor Tower and suddenly felt the full chill of the November night. The castle was cold at the best of times, but away from the roaring fire and the warmth of the common room, Remus could barely stop his teeth from chattering. It was, he thought, a side-effect of his condition. He was always cold; always wearing a dozen layers. In winter it was easier to get away with, and it meant he could hide all his scars, but it also had drawbacks. Like his hands would dry up and crack to the point where he could barely flex them. His sore muscles would seize and he'd barely be able to walk. He become a wreck for months at a time.

"Here." Sirius conjured a ball of fire and had it float along beside them. It wasn't that warming, but it was the thought that counted. But what was a thousand times more appreciated was the arm Sirius slung over his shoulder and the way he hugged him to him. Remus had found, on more than one occasion since he was eleven, that there was nothing more comforting than one of his friends touching him. Platonically speaking, of course. And whilst he silently longed for Sirius to touch him a romantic way, he would take what he could get.

"I don't see why you insist on smoking outside given all the pain it puts you in." Sirius said as they reached the balcony at the end of the corridor. He pulled out two cigarettes and put them between his lips to light them. His fingers moved with such grace as he took one of them and placed it between Remus' lips that it was almost a turn on.

"Smoking kills." Remus replied quietly, looking out into the night. He could make out the line where the trees stopped and the sky began, but it was cloudy and there were very few stars making it through. "No point killing a bunch of innocent kids just because we're addicts."

"Speak for yourself. I'm not an addict."

"You smoke every night. You drink almost every night and often in excess. You do drugs. You crave a fix of troublemaking at least once every fortnight and your defence mechanisms are so shallow and materialistic that it's almost a wonder that there are four whole people in this castle who know the real you."

"Huh." Sirius took a long drag and breathed out. "Good point, well made. But you're the same. So is Peter and James."

"James never smokes." Remus pointed out casually, leaning his back against the wall of the castle.

James insisted he didn't smoke because he needed healthy lungs for Quidditch, but Remus suspected he simply wouldn't dare smoke if there was even the slightest chance that Lily might catch him. Lily had made it painfully clear that she detested smoking; she'd told Remus off repeatedly, but he wasn't the one trying to win her hand in eternity.

"Yeah, you're right. What a goody-two shoes."

It was that sort of statement that made Remus unsure of whether he wanted to laugh out loud at his best friend, or throw a book at him. He tended to alternate between the two, but this time he was quiet. He was in a rather contemplative mood. The approaching full moon was weighing heavily on him. He had a feeling that it was going to be a painful one.

"Are you alright, Moony?" Sirius asked softly, when the silence had become too long for him to deal with. Sirius did that often; probably a product of too many silent family dinners. He was completely incapable to cope with silence. In exams, Remus always heard him shuffling in his seat and sighing repeatedly. It wasn't to be annoying. It was because the silence drove him insane.

"I'm…" Remus trailed off, finding himself unable to form another lie. Contemplative was becoming an understatement. He was overthinking everything. It was so hard not to see all the bad in the world. It was so hard to ignore his friends' pain.

They were all so damaged in so many ways. It was why James mothered them all; why Peter couldn't stand when they weren't all together and would flit between them rapidly; why Sirius made it his life goal to let them live in a state of dreaming and why, when reality sunk in, Sirius was the first to ask that godforsaken question. _Are you alright?_

"I'm tired, Pads." He finally answered. "I'm so goddamn tired."

"Of what?" Sirius asked, stubbing out his cigarette on the wall and then taking Remus' from him so he could speak.

He wanted to say he was tired of life. He wanted to say that he was done- that he couldn't take any more. But the last time he'd said that, he'd broken his parent's hearts. He wouldn't do that to his friends too. He'd learned from his mistakes.

"Of the war. Of essays and full moons and all the fucking pain. I wish for so much and sometimes I get so sick of nothing good ever happening."

"What do you wish for?"

"I wish the war was over and James wanted to be a Quidditch player instead of an Auror. I wish Lily wasn't mourning her parents. I wish Peter would stop wasting all his money on drugs, and that you weren't going home to your awful fucking family again." The ranting was doing very little to make him feel better, but he continued nonetheless.

"And I'm selfish and awful, I know. I have so much more than I ever dreamed of. The things you've done for me… I'm so grateful. But I'm so tired of worrying."

"Well, you're not selfish or awful- I know that for sure." Sirius told him firmly, then extinguishing his cigarette too and approaching him. "You deserve so much more, Remus. Yeah, maybe we all do, but you don't have to worry for us. Don't get me wrong, it's in your nature, but we know for a fact it gets even worse when the full moon is coming."

"Yeah, I know. I'm being stupid."

"That's the last adjective I'd ever use to describe you, Moony." Sirius gave him one of his signature lopsided grins. "You're just you. Yeah, war sucks, but we're safe for another two years at least. Just focus on the good stuff. That's what I do."

Remus attempted a smile, nodding at his friend. It wasn't that easy, and they both knew it, but Sirius did have a point. They had another two years at Hogwarts and if being in such close proximity to Sirius didn't off him, he certainly wasn't going to let You-know-who get to him.


	15. 5th Year - The Thunder Storm

Remus was exhausted. Normally, he could sleep anywhere, so being in a bed shouldn't have been a problem for him at all. But the following night was the full moon and his three friends were supposed to be in detentions, meaning he'd be alone for the first time in over six months. Frankly, the idea terrified him. The Marauders made it bearable, but alone he'd probably tear himself apart. So he found himself completely restless and unable to sleep.

That was why he heard the rain the moment the first drop hit the windows. It was slow, at first, and then suddenly it was lashing it down. It sounded like a vicious storm; one that Peter, James and Sirius were all blessedly sleeping through. Or, so Remus thought at first. When he pulled back his curtains to look out the window, he thought he saw movement behind Sirius' curtains. Irritation crippled him. If Sirius had brought back another bloody girl to their dorm, he'd kill him. But then, when the first thunder sounded, he heard a gasp.

The thunder wasn't even particularly loud; the storm wasn't overhead yet. But Remus knew when his friend was scared, and his gasp had been one of fear rather than awe.

Nervously, Remus padded towards his friend's bed and shook his curtain slightly, as though a knock on a door. "Padfoot? You okay?"

"Yeah." Sirius replied, shakily. "No." He amended. "It's stupid. It doesn't matter."

"Hey," Remus pulled his curtain back and looked at his friend. Sirius was pale and contorted into the foetal position. "What's wrong?"

"The thunder." Sirius admitted softly. "This is so stupid, Moony, but since I finished becoming an animagus…"

"Dogs are scared of thunder." Remus breathed, partly in understanding and partly in fascination. When he thought about it, it was particularly incredible. Their transformations had changed the boys in so many subtle ways, but this was one of the most interesting.

Thunder roared again, louder this time, and the wind and rain lashed at the tower. Even Remus thought the tower might have been swaying, but Sirius had started to tremble, burying his head between his knees.

"It's not stupid, Sirius. I'm here now."

Against his better judgement, Remus climbed into bed beside Sirius and wrapped his arms around him. It wasn't often that Sirius admitted he was weak. In fact, it was a defence mechanism to act like nothing could hurt him. That's where the arrogance and cockiness came from; the girls and the partying and the vanity. It was all to protect himself. With just the marauders, he was better, but still always the joker. Still, always so scared.

"When did you find out? You finished the transformation at the start of the summer."

"A few weeks after. Stuck in my parents' house." Sirius admitted, his beautiful face emerging once more, still too pale and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. "It was a summer storm, middle of the day. I thought I was going insane. Went and showered until I was sure it'd be over. Took another three storms before I realised why I was suddenly so scared."

"I'm sorry. This is-"

"If you say this is your fault, Moony, I'll kill you. Being scared of thunderstorms does not make me regret what we did. It's nowhere near as bad as what you go through. What you're going to go through tomorrow-."

As he spoke, the thunder roared again, and this time, Sirius buried his head into Remus' side. It was bittersweet, honestly, Remus thought. One the one hand he could hear angels singing at their contact and, on the other hand, he was just making the next time he saw Sirius bring a girl back hurt even more. It certainly wasn't the first time he'd thought it, but he found it was an awful lot of hard work to be hopelessly in love with his best friend.

"Don't worry about me. I coped alone for long enough before."

"You shouldn't have to." Sirius replied. "We shouldn't have got caught planting those dungbombs. It was a rookie error."

"It doesn't matter." Remus insisted. His friends had done more than enough for him, he refused to make them feel guilty for one crappy night. Especially not Sirius. "Besides, look at all the attention it got you. Did you see how many girls were fawning over you this morning?"

"Everyone loves a martyr, dear." Sirius attempted a smile. The storm seemed to be moving away, but he still flinched at the lightning that illuminated the dorm, and they both knew the thunder was soon to follow. "I don't want any of them anyway."

"You're only fifteen, Pads, you can't be telling me your bachelor days are over?"

"No, nothing like that." He laughed nervously, in reply.

"Focusing on your OWLs?" Remus forced himself to ask, through gritted teeth. As thunder sounded once more, definitely further away, Sirius had clung to his chest, hugging him tightly. It was hard to ignore how hot Sirius' bare arms and chest were, wrapped around him, and it was becoming almost pointless to pretend he wasn't reacting to it in a more than platonic, wholesome manner.

"I'm not worried about OWLs, Remy." Sirius finally replied once the rain began to ease off. The nickname sent shivers down Remus' spine. It was the one only Sirius used and only ever when they were alone. It was the name that made him think there was maybe a deeper connection between them. But, then again, Sirius was the only one who called James 'Jamsie', and Remus wasn't about to delude himself into thinking he would ever be as close to Sirius and James was.

"No?"

"No. I think I have a problem." Remus was silent, simply holding Sirius and waiting for him to continue. "I have a crush on someone. I didn't even realise it at first. James told me and then suddenly, everything made sense. You know? Like everything from the last five years just fell in place."

"Tell me it isn't Snape." He wasn't sure if now was the time for jokes, particularly given the serious nature of their conversation, but it was a defence mechanism of his own. He couldn't cope with the prospect that Sirius was falling in love with someone else, and it wasn't him.

"No, he's not Snape." Sirius said quietly.

"So it's a he?"

Sirius had always been openly appreciative of both sexes, but he'd never actually dated a boy and now his entire demeanour was one of complete misery. Remus wasn't sure if it was because he would no longer be able to maintain his ladies' man persona, or because he was genuinely confused about his own feelings. "I think girls are incredible. Amazing. Fucking hot. But this one guy… I feel like he may be it for me. Everything."

The words were painful, but Remus kept engaging. If he switched off, Sirius would know he was upset - and that could never happen.

"And that scares you?"

"Fuck yes." Sirius groaned. "I'm only fifteen, like you said. It wasn't meant to be like this. James was going to finally get Evans, Peter would hook up with MacDonald, you'd be a book addict and I'd shag my way through the population of London." He paused then, untangling himself from Remus, who simply watched him, concerned, trying not to appear hurt.

"Have you spoken to him about it?"

"I _am_ doing."

Time froze momentarily as the words dawned on him. Him? Sirius had a crush on him?

"I'm not assuming you'll fancy me back just because you're gay. If you want to pretend I never said anything, that's fine. I'll just get through it and be back to my old self in no time, probably. But I-."

Remus cut him off by kissing him, soundly. His Sirius surrendered to him, completely, and it was the most perfect first kiss that he could have imagined. In fact, it was better than any of his wild dreaming about what might have happened between them. Because it was real. It was dark and the wind was still loud, but Sirius liked him too and what more could he ask for?

. . .

When Remus woke the next morning, it was with no recollection of falling asleep. They'd ended up cuddling for some time, comparing instances of times when they both realised how much they fucking adored each other. At some point, his hands tangled in Sirius' hair, he must have fallen asleep. Now, he found himself feigning sleep still, with Sirius head on his chest and his hands lodged in uncomfortable places.

"Don't wake them Peter." He heard James' speaking in a hushed tone. "Get dressed. I have practice in half an hour, and I want breakfast first." He instructed. James had a unique quality in which he was both the mother hen of their peculiar little friendship group, and the greatest teenager in Hogwarts history.

"I'm just saying, it's about bloody time isn't it?" Peter replied lazily, clearly making no attempt to get ready. Remus didn't even need to open his eyes to work that one out.

"Just be grateful it didn't take longer. I don't think I could have coped with the sexual tension."

"Err, you don't think they had sex last night, do you? Here?" Peter asked, almost squeaking. He seemed genuinely concerned that it was a possibility, and Remus almost smiled until he remembered he was supposedly asleep.

"No, Peter, now get ready." James said, his voice somewhat muffled. Remus decided he was brushing his teeth, but he didn't stay awake long enough to hear the boys leave, drifting back to sleep with Sirius snuggled in at his side.

* * *

I think this is a pretty popular headcanon. I tried to put my own twist on it by making Sirius finally declare his love for Remus. Hope you liked it.


	16. 5th Year - An Abrupt End to Happiness

Remus laid, staring at the ceiling, wondering if anything in the world would ever be right again.

A month.

It had been the most perfect month of his entire life, with Sirius, happy. The step-up in their relationship meant that every morning he felt like he was waking to songbirds. His conscience was lighter, his worries were fewer and the world seemed brighter. And the kissing… it had been goddamn incredible. But that was irrelevant. He'd just been happy to know for certain that his feelings were reciprocated. He'd been ecstatic, in fact.

A small part of him always knew it couldn't last, but only a month seemed so unfair. And why did the ending have to be so hard? Why had Sirius done this to him?

"Mr Black will be serving detention with Professor Slughorn every week until the end of term, Remus." McGonagall informed him, gently. She was speaking to him like he was broken, and in a way he was. He didn't look at her. He couldn't face any more pity from her. He'd just about dealt with it since starting at Hogwarts, but he couldn't now. Being a werewolf was one crappy thing, but losing Sirius was a different matter entirely.

"I hope you can find it in you to forgive him. It's your decision, of course, but he's very upset."

"He thought it would be funny." Remus whispered in reply. His throat was hoarse from crying when he'd first found out what had happened while he was the wolf. "He thought it was just another prank."

"Perhaps." McGonagall sighed. "I'll leave you to rest."

Then she was gone, and he was drifting in and out of consciousness again. Each time he woke up, something was happening that he didn't much care to deal with. James was reading him the paper, probably quidditch, sounding pitiful. Peter was eating chocolate, feet up on his bed. Sirius, angrily arguing with Madam Pompfrey about why he should be allowed to see him.

He woke at one point to see Lily sat beside his bed. She was probably the one person he could bear to speak to, besides Madam Pompfrey. The look on her face… she _knew_. She knew everything, he realised. James must have told her about his affliction and Sirius, and everything that had happened.

"I'm so sorry, Remus." She told him. She wasn't scared of him and she didn't try to rant about Sirius or convince him he had every right to be angry, or even try to justify Sirius' actions- though that was highly unlikely in any scenario involving Lily and Sirius.

He cried, and she held him, and when he woke again she had left and the sun had set.

James came to visit him the next morning, looking exhausted and deeply troubled.

"I'm so angry at him, Remus. It was stupid. If I'd known what he was doing I'd have stopped him sooner, I promise!" James seemed desperate for Remus to believe he had no part in the prank, and Remus believed him. It didn't make him feel any better, somehow.

"Do you think he planned it?"

"No. He swears he told Snape in the heat of the moment and didn't even think about what might happen until he saw my reaction. I'm so sorry, Remus. I haven't even spoken to him since; I can't even look at him."

"You don't have to do that." Remus said suddenly. "He's your best friend. This is my problem, not yours."

"No way. You're my best friend too. And he's your… was your boyfriend." James finished, quietly. "I'm not just going to pretend this never happened. He has to realise what he's done."

Remus nodded, suddenly feeling very tired of talking about it. He wished he could just forget, but he'd not thought about anything else since he'd first learned what had happened. The transformation itself had been terrible; his back was a mess, and his muscles ached like never before. But the idea that he could no longer curl up in Sirius' bed, with some chocolate and the wireless playing in the background, was somehow more painful.

"Just, don't ignore him." Remus asked, softly. "He'll just start to hate himself even more. I'll be okay. I'll have Lily and Marlene."

"Oh, about Lily- I had to tell her. She was threatening to do ugh, stuff, if I didn't explain what had happened between us all."

"It's okay. I probably would have told her eventually." Remus attempted a smile. "Go, find Peter and stop him being miserable. It'll all work out in the end."

. . .

"You're not allowed to be here, Sirius. Get out." Remus said quietly, staring at his hands in his lap. His skin was cracked and bloody- his hands uglier than he'd ever seen them. He hated looking at them, but he couldn't look at Sirius either. He had snuck into the infirmary whilst the Matron was in her office, and Remus wished he hadn't.

"No offence, Remus, but your bite is far worse than your bark." Sirius said, brushing him off. He hadn't meant it like that, Remus was sure, but it still stung. It still reminded him of what he could have done to Snape, because of Sirius and he couldn't stop the tears filling his eyes.

"Fuck you. I need you to go. Now." His chest began to seize up in anger, like he couldn't breathe.

"Remus-"

"Leave." Remus spat. Sirius folded his arms crossly, a stubborn refusal to go anywhere. It was childish and completely unhelpful, so Remus decided to reciprocate.

"Madam Pomfrey?" He called loudly, knowing the woman would come running instantly. Being around Sirius hurt more than all his injuries from all his transformations combined; it hurt so much it was killing him. He refused to feel guilty for getting him in trouble.

"Mr Black! Leave at once." Madam Pomfrey declared, the moment she hurried into the infirmary and saw that the offender had sneaked in during her absence.

Remus didn't hear him leave, distracted by Madam Pomfrey checking his wounds, but when he rolled back over, he saw Sirius had departed. Only then, when Madam Pompfrey had returned to get office, did he allow himself to cry.


	17. 5th Year - Reconciliations

Remus was starting to feel guilty. It had been two weeks and everything was out of sync in the Gryffindor Tower. The repercussions of their falling out were felt throughout the entire school. James repeatedly told him it wasn't a 'falling out' and he had every right to ignore Sirius. But life wasn't the same. No more pranks, no more fun and no more Marauders.

For the most part, Remus was physically recovered. He had a few nasty scars to add to his collection, but he didn't care. The emotional pain hurt more. Sharing a dorm with Sirius was hard. He was always first out of bed and the last in bed of an evening so they didn't have to speak much. Spending such little time sleeping was highly out of character for Sirius. It did make Remus wonder what he was doing all the time, and he tried to not imagine him snogging random girls in broom closets again. It was hard enough having to sleep in the same bed they'd spent so many nights together in.

Sirius looked more awful every day. He was never one for school rules but, normally, his messy attire was just a style and not a condition. His tie used to be around his head and his buttons undone deliberately. Now, his tie was askew and there were bags under his eyes the colour of coal. He looked as bad as Remus felt. Peter said they both looked as terrible as each other, but the difference was it wasn't unusual for Remus to look terrible.

"It's not your fault." James whispered to him in Potions, when he caught Remus staring at Sirius; he was sat at the table in front of theirs, with Peter, his head on the table. He gave off an air of no longer caring about anything and it killed Remus. "Don't feel guilty. If you're not ready to speak to him, it's not your duty to make him feel better for his screw up."

Remus didn't reply, but stared down at his book. He missed Sirius. He missed him so much it made his heart ache.

"Professor Slughorn?" Remus asked suddenly, as the Professor walked by their table. "I don't feel very well. May I be excused to the infirmary?"

"Very well. Have that essay to me by Wednesday, Mr Lupin." Slughorn agreed, pointedly, and Remus hurried from the classroom before he'd even taken the time to return his books to his satchel. He fled down the corridor, raking a hand through his hair.

He didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't know how to make the pain stop. Sirius had nearly ruined everything. He'd almost made Remus into a murderer. James swore he hadn't been thinking- that Snape had provoked him- and he wanted to believe that. Sirius had been exceptionally well behaved since. He'd probably learned his lesson. And he couldn't spend his entire life hating the boy he loved just because of the possibility of what might have happened.

"Remus!"

He stopped still and turned on the spot. Sirius was striding towards him, quickly, looking panicked.

"Please don't go, Remus. Please hear me out." His voice was so weak and desperate, Remus couldn't bear to walk away.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was stupid and hateful. Snape didn't deserve it! James didn't deserve to repair my mistakes and you didn't deserve it either! I don't know why I did it. I don't know why and I'm so fucking sorry. Please tell me what I can do. I have to fix this, Remus, I miss you so much."

"Sirius, what are you playing at?" James joined them, having clearly legged from the classroom after Sirius and Remus. He seemed simultaneously ready to tackle Sirius to the ground so Remus wouldn't have to speak to him, and curious to see what Sirius wanted to say.

"Please, Remus." Sirius continued, ignoring James.

"I…" Remus took a few tentative steps towards him, "I missed you too." He admitted. "But if you're ever that thoughtless again, Sirius… I would have ended up in Azkaban. It all would have been on me."

"I know. I'm so sorry."

And when they finally hugged, Remus felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and everything seemed a little brighter once more. Over Sirius' shoulder, he could see James quietly punching the air in joy.

"Okay. Excellent. Well, I'm going to go explain to Sluggy why three of his students just ran out of his class."


	18. 6th Year - Family Ties

"Darling, an owl came for you."

Remus raced downstairs at his mother's call, his feet leaping from a few stairs up. He was waiting for both his Hogwarts letter and OWL results, and this might have been his lucky day- only, when he took it from his mother's hands he knew it wasn't. He recognised the handwriting immediately. It was from James. More worryingly, perhaps, it wasn't his leisurely and loopy handwriting. This, he knew instantly, was James' worried and rushed scribble.

 _Moony,_

 _Sirius showed up at my place last night. He ran away from home. I really need you to come and talk to him, the floo is open._

 _Padfoot._

"I'm going to James' place, mum. There's been an emergency." He kissed his mother's cheek goodbye, before stepping into the fireplace and taking his leave.

The Potter Home was the same every single time Remus visited. It was always warm and welcoming, and Euphemia Potter was always in the kitchen, baking. This time, she looked at him with a sad smile.

"Hello Remus, dear. Go straight up."

"Thank you, Ma'am." He smiled, nervously, hurrying up the stairs to James' room. He'd spent so many summers here now it was just second nature to him. The door was slightly ajar, and James saw him first, exiting the room.

"Hey Moony."

"How is he?"

"Apathetic." James said, after a moment's deliberation. "But obviously very upset. He's sleeping right now. I'll be downstairs. Take as long as you need, I won't disturb you."

"Thanks, James." Remus smiled, gratefully, before making his way into the room.

Sirius looked worried, even in his sleep, and his heart ached for his boyfriend. It had been coming for a while now. Since Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor, in fact. Remus only wished that the ending wasn't as painful as he was imagining it to be. Sirius had stuck it out with his family for this long, he wouldn't have left for something meaningless.

"Sirius." He whispered, climbing onto the bed beside him and brushing the pad of his thumb over Sirius' cheek. "Love, wake up."

"Remy?" Sirius' eyes fluttered open slowly and, as the light hit him, he groaned. "Whadtime'sit?"

"Nearly Eleven. What time did you get here last night?" Judging by the tired bags under his eyes, Sirius must have arrived late. That explained why both the Potters looked so tired too, Remus figured. He didn't want to imagine James running downstairs to a banging at his door, and how scary that must have been.

"Dunno." Sirius stretched his arm high and then wrapped it around Remus. "Left during dinner. Wanted to come to you. Got this instead."

He pulled his sleeve up half-heartedly, and Remus had to strain to see a small, delicate tattoo on his bicep.

"Sirius." Emotion made the words he wanted to say catch in his throat. The tattoo was of a wolf and a dog, curled together to form a circle.

"S'magical." He explained. "They'll wake up soon."

"It's beautiful." Remus smiled, tracing around the ink with his forefinger. "I love it."

"I love you." Sirius murmured, kissing his forehead.

"What happened, Pads?"

"Dinner with the Malfoys happened. Celebrating Lucius and Narcissa's marriage. It was like every single topic of conversation was designed specifically to piss me off. Half-bloods, Mudbloods, blood traitors, half-breeds, Gryffindors- all deserve death. How Andromeda is a stupid, foolish blood traitor. How Dumbledore is a crackpot old fool." He scoffed a bitter laugh. "They probably planned in advance to see what it would take to make me crack. And I did. My dad told me his intentions for me after graduation."

"His intentions?"

"Marriage. To Clarissa Parkinson." He spat out. "And a good, professional ministry job. Though I need to make connections to make up for my being a Gryffindor."

"What did you do?"

"I told them I was going to move in with my gay, werewolf boyfriend. What do you think?" He laughed again, but his voice cracked and tears began to fall. "I looked at Reg and I asked him if he really wanted to end up like these bigots- and he said he'd rather that than associating with scum like me. I just walked out. No clothes or belongings. None of you- oh, fuck- Remus, your tapes. Your Walkman."

"Hey, it's okay." Remus shushed him, intertwining their fingers. "I'm just glad you're safe. I don't care about any of that as long as I have you. I love you, Pads."

"I know." He sniffled. "James said his parents are more than willing to let me stay, so at least I'm not homeless."

"You wouldn't have been anyway." Remus pointed out. "I'm sorry about Regulus."

"S'okay." Sirius said, but it wasn't true and Remus knew it. Sirius had, for all intents and purposes, just lost the one person in his family he truly wanted to keep. "He was a lost cause from the start." Remus wasn't entirely sure that was true. Sirius would have gone to the end of the world for Regulus if he thought he even had a chance of saving him from that life, but he didn't argue. "It just took him this long to choose a side."

"The only thing you can do is make sure he knows you haven't given up on him. That way, he always has another option." Remus reasoned gently, all too aware of the mistakes Sirius could make when he was emotional. The last thing Regulus needed was no exit.

"Yeah. I'll try." Sirius replied. His voice was quiet and sad, and so awfully tired. Remus didn't try to convince him further, but held him a little tighter as though giving him permission to go back to sleep. Everything seemed a little easier to manage after a good sleep.


	19. 6th Year - An Outburst of Rage

WARNING: Punching mirrors and talk of a suicide attempt ahead.

* * *

Pain, Remus had realised long ago, was just bullshit. You might think you'd found the thing that hurt most in the world, and then the world would throw something else at you. This time, it had thrown Defence against the Dark Arts at him. It was normally his favourite subject, and certainly his best one. But after the hour he'd just spent writing about how to kill dangerous creatures, including werewolves, he felt sick. He was angry, unbelievably so; having to write an essay on why werewolves needed eliminating on sight was pure torture.

He endured it. He didn't want to draw attention to himself. He hated every second of it and, when the bell rang and the class was dismissed, he escaped the room as quickly as possible. He knew Sirius would have been looking for him, and probably James and Peter too, but he didn't want to see them. He needed time to calm down.

Screw the stupid Professor and his stupid prejudices, and stupid Dolores Umbridge who successfully ensure he'd never get a decent job in the wizarding world. Fuck all of them. They didn't know anything. They didn't know how much he wished he was normal, and how much he hated the wolf. More than they did, that was certain. And if they weren't so fucking cruel to werewolves in the first place, they wouldn't have needed all the laws in the first place because packs wouldn't have been flocking to join Voldemort in droves. They were idiots. They were stupid, fucking-

"Remus! Stop it, you're bleeding!"

He'd punched the mirror in the boy's toilets, and shards of glass now littered the sink below, as well as the blood from his fists.

"I hate them." He sobbed, using the palms of his hands to cover his eyes, attempting to stop the flow of tears.

"I know." Sirius said, calmly, dragging Remus into his arms for a hug. Remus buried his face into his shoulder, distraught. Of course Sirius knew. Sirius knew as well as anyone what it was like to live in a world with bigots and narrow-minded bastards.

"James, makes sure no-one else is in here."

Remus heard the doors of cubicles flying open and then the shuffling of a poor, random student that James must have scared shitless.

"Peter will wait outside, give you some privacy. I'm going to go have a word with McGonagall." There was only a hint of anger in James' tone, but it was there nonetheless, and Remus felt briefly sorry for McGonagall who was surely about to be on the receiving end of an angry rant.

"Remus?"

"I'm sorry." He whispered, pulling himself away from Sirius and taking a deep, shaky breath. The air felt cold in his lungs and the world was blurry, still. "This is stupid. I'm fine."

"No, you're not." Sirius replied, taking his hands and holding them under the sink. The water stung, for a moment, and revealed the cuts he'd left himself with. They weren't particularly terrible, and Sirius began healing them instantly. He'd picked up more than enough healing magic over the last few years- given all the trouble they found themselves in. He had a particular knack for healing, in fact, in the same way that James was good at cleaning charms and Peter could somehow charm anything a different colour with seemingly no effort at all.

"That was horrible. For all of us, but especially you. And you're allowed to be angry, babe."

"No. I'm not. I get angry and it proves them right." Remus replied quietly.

"Fuck them! Be angry with me, Remus! I'm not going to turn you in! They're bastards, all of them!"

"They're misinformed." Remus protested, tiredly. "They don't know what they're doing. I'm okay, Sirius. Really." He drew his own wand and attempted to repair the broken mirror. It nearly worked, but he was still too drained to make it look perfect.

"Can I ask you something, Remy?"

Remus was silent, waiting for the inevitable question.

"You once said that becoming the wolf nearly killed you." Sirius said slowly. "Was it always the wolf, or was it you?" That was unexpected, and Remus stared at him for a moment. Blankly. He'd never told anyone. It had all become irrelevant once he'd started Hogwarts and made friends.

"I was only six." Remus finally said, quietly. "I didn't understand what was happening to me. I didn't know why it hurt so much. When I was old enough to understand, it was like I'd died. I could never do anything other children did. My mum barely let me go out, she was so scared. I snuck out one night and tried to get to the main road. I thought it would be quick, but all I did was break my leg."

"Remus…"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I didn't see the point. I wanted to pretend it hadn't happened."

"It's okay. But I'm glad you did tell me." Sirius reached up and kissed his forehead; a more difficult feat when stood up considering their height differences. "I love you, Remus."

"I love you too." Remus murmured.


	20. 6th Year - The House of the Rising Sun

Sixth year, so far, was proving to be something of an enjoyable time. They'd finished the marauders map over the summer, and as predicted, they were wreaking havoc with a shower of pranks every week. Transformations every month were bearable, but even more so because of how tenderly Sirius cared for him in the days afterwards. It didn't make it hurt any less, but it made it easier to recognise it wasn't his fault. He wasn't a monster. How could he be if Sirius loved him? How could he be if Sirius went out of his way to make sure he was alright?

Pain was the first thing Remus registered as consciousness stole him from the warm comforts of his sleep. His limbs were weak and the floor was cold, but nothing hurt as much as his hips which he looked down to see were scraped raw, bloody and dirty.

"This is going to sting, babe."

Sirius.

He was crouched beside him with his wand, a bowl of water and a clean cloth as tools.

The pain was limited compared to that which he normally had to endure, so he gritted his teeth and closed his eyes again, trying to pretend he was tucked up in bed in the Gryffindor Tower instead of lying on the cold, bare wood floors of the Shrieking Shack.

"There. Clean and healed." Remus opened his eyes and observed that the wounds had indeed closed, leaving a fresh layer of tender pink skin.

"Thanks." Remus whispered, his voice gravelly and painful.

"My pleasure." Sirius smiled, covering Remus with a blanket and sitting beside him. "Although I did have to sweet talk Madam Pompfrey for about an hour before she let me come and get you." He pressed a sweet kiss to Remus' temple then, and it was a brief relief from the aching pain in his body. He leant into Sirius' side, resting his head on his chest. "Wasn't that hard in the end. She's got a soft spot for us, I think."

"I'm glad you're here."

"Me too, Remy." Sirius smiled softly, and then he did something so poignant it made Remus' heart ache a little bit. He drew his wand and flicked it at one of the broken, boarded up windows, so that the wood fell away and the broken glass cleaned itself. "Look. The sun's still rising."

He was right. The sky was a beautiful spectrum of blues, oranges and pinks, as the sun began casting its light over Hogwarts grounds. The light was warm through the glass and, in Sirius' arms, suddenly Remus didn't feel so cold anymore. He didn't feel the same usual self-hatred he felt when he woke on the floor, in agony. Sure, the moon was a horrible thing. It let out the wolf. But the moon was gone, for now, and watching the sun rise in Sirius' arms reminded him just how human he was.


	21. 6th Year - Wooing and Foolishness

"This year, Hogwarts will be hosting a ball on Christmas Eve for all students in fifth year and above." Dumbledore informed them jovially, having interrupted their evening meal. Remus felt a pleasant sort of realisation that he'd be able to go with Sirius, whilst the majority of the school years loudly made their protest at the age limit known.

"I expect all the year groups to be on their best behaviour. For now, that is all. You may finish your meals."

"I dare you to ask Dumbledore." Sirius muttered to James, ladling soup into his bowl.

"Wouldn't be worth it. He turned me down last time." James replied. Remus felt like laughing a loud. There was nothing quite like watching Sirius and James formulate a plan. They were like a well-oiled machine. They were in complete synchronisation, and it only served to reaffirm Remus' belief that they truly were soul mates. He wasn't jealous. It was just a fact of life, and he felt somewhat privileged to be able to witness them at work.

"Alright. I'll go first, my dear Jamsie." Sirius winked at Remus and then stood, undoing the first button of his school shirt.

"You're going to want to watch this, Peter." Remus said, tapping their friend so that he dragged his head from the desk and sat up straight.

Remus allowed himself to grin as he watched his boyfriend sauntering over to the teacher's table. He tried not to stare at his arse too blatantly, but if anyone did catch him he certainly wouldn't apologise. Why should he? It was a good arse. He sat up a little straighter.

The whole school fell silent from the excited chatter about the ball when they saw Sirius Black suddenly kneel before the Teacher's table.

"My darling Albus- my love for you grows more and more each day." James had made his move, quietly following Sirius' route to the head as the latter spoke loudly. "Will you please do me the great honour of accompanying me to the ball?"

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK." James screeched, leaping in front of the table too. "You're taking Minnie! We discussed this. _I_ get to go with Albus."

"You know Minnie won't take me back!" Sirius defended, theatrically, hands on his hips. "And you're in love with Evans, you can't have Albus too!"

"You're _dating_ Remus! If you take Albus to the ball, he'll have to go stag." James said, before promptly bursting out laughing.

The whole school stared, confused and amused, as James Potter and Sirius Black stood at the front of the hall clinging to each other, laughing exuberantly, at seemingly nothing at all. What confused the hall more was when both Remus and Peter burst out laughing too, sat alone at the Gryffindor table. Remus wasn't normally one to draw attention to himself, but the hilarity of it all was too great. The joke wasn't even that funny, but the whole situation had just become so ridiculous that he couldn't not laugh.

"Mr Potter, though I am flattered I once again have to apologise. I'm afraid I could never deny Miss Evans the opportunity of your company. And, Mr Black, Mr Potter correctly pointed out that you are, indeed, taken. Another time, perhaps?"

With that, Dumbledore dismissed them and, laughing still, they began their return journey to the Gryffindor table.

"Did you hear that?" James said excitedly, sitting back at the table. "Dumbledore thinks I have a shot with Lily." His eagerness was endearing, but Remus suspected he was deluding himself. Nothing had swayed Lily yet, and she seemed to have no desire to be anything more than friends. Or friendly enemies, as she insisted.

"I always thought that man was a little bit batty." Lily mused aloud from down the table, before turning and pointedly smirking, quite viciously, at James. But James wouldn't be deterred by that, and they all knew it. He had a lot of faith in Dumbledore, but if anything he had more faith in the fact that one day he would win Lily over. Going off the faint blush on her cheeks, he might have been right.


	22. 7th Year - Coping Mechanisms

This was the first ever wolfstar I wrote, originally intended as a one-shot.

* * *

Remus sat on his bed, his knees folded and tucked under his chin. Cruel October rain lashed against the tower windows, and it resonated perfectly with his despondent mood. It had been the full moon just days before, and his body still ached. But that wasn't his main concern; he was almost used to the pain by now- it was a part of life. What was really getting to him was the fact that it was a pain he was going to have to live with forever. Most days, he managed to forget about that annoying aspect of his little problem, but today he just couldn't. The future was looming, and when he graduated he wasn't entirely sure what kind of life he'd have.

It didn't even make him feel better when he heard Sirius singing in the shower. Normally, listening to the caterwauling that Sirius called melody was amusing. Normally, it made him beam from ear to ear because it was _his_ Sirius, and he was allowed to be completely ridiculous. But instead, whilst his boyfriend showered, he laid back against his pillows and simply wished he was unconscious, because at least then he might get his brain to shut the hell up.

Time passed, slowly, but eventually he heard the dripping form of Sirius re-enter the dorm, a towel draped around his waist.

"Fucking hell, Moony. You look like someone's died." Sirius stated blandly, half-towel drying his hair before panic washed over his features.

"Did someone die?" He added, with a fear in his eyes that broke Remus' heart. It was a fear that had arisen from far too many occasions of hearing about people who had lost their lives to the War. "Sometimes I forget there's a war on." The nervous laugh did nothing to fool Remus. He knew Sirius far too well.

"No-one died, Sirius. Not that I know of, anyway." He added as an after-thought. He hadn't actually read any news or even listened to their wireless today. He'd been too wrapped up in his own pity. James had brought him some breakfast before he went to Quidditch, assuming he was still getting over the full moon.

No amount of bed rest could make him feel better, and the warmth of the dormitory was little consolation to the hatred he felt for himself that day.

"Are you alright, Remy?" Sirius then asked then, that goddamn question that was his secret power. He never overused it. It was always spoke with just the right tone, in just the right voice, with all the right inflections. It was practically a truth serum for Remus.

"I'm just tired." He replied quietly, not looking up when he felt Sirius sit beside him on the bed.

There was a pause, in which Sirius sighed dramatically. "I can't help if you don't talk to me." He sang, still attempting to provoke a smile. Once again, he struggled to maintain a teasing tone and worry overcame him once more. "Are you in pain?"

"In pain? You're the one with the gash down your shoulder blade." Remus snorted. His guilt had kept him awake most of the previous night. His aches and cuts were nothing compared to the damage he sometimes inflicted on his companions. Sirius tended to take the most pain because, as a dog, they fought more viciously. Even Prongs didn't often take the full brunt of the wolf.

"That's almost fully healed, Remus." Sirius replied, his voice gentle yet firm. Remus recognised that tone more than any other. It was Sirius' way of trying to push away Remus' guilt, to promise that it was all worth it.

"The wonders of murtlap, and all." Sirius added, with a boyish grin that, yet again, provoked no sort of response from his boyfriend other than apathy. "C'mon, Remus. This isn't healthy. I can't tell what you're feeling and it frustrates me."

"I _feel_ like I wish you'd gone to woo the girls at James' Quidditch practice." Remus replied bitterly. He didn't actually wish that. He didn't find it very amusing when his boyfriend gave teenage girls false hope and it made him very worryingly jealous. It wasn't Sirius' fault that he was bisexual, but it did make Remus terrified that he'd find someone better.

"What, and have you be deprived of my obnoxious charm and good looks?" Sirius merely laughed at him, shuffling up the bed and laying beside Remus, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. It only just occurred to Remus, then, that his boyfriend was still dressed in only a towel and he tried to not think about it.

"Damn wet dog."

"Oh, piss off." Sirius laughed out loud, and it was music to Remus' ears. "Now. Tell me what's wrong, or I _will_ start licking your face." It wasn't much of a threat, but in dog form... Remus had smelt nicer compost than Sirius' breath.

"It's nothing Sirius, honestly. I'm just thinking about the future. Having to live with this… to get through every single month. Sometimes it's just too much to cope with." He admitted, and he felt Sirius tense slightly around him.

"You know, one day they'll find a cure. But until then, you have to cope." He instructed firmly. Remus didn't mistake the fear in his voice and he hated himself for upsetting Sirius. "You have to find the good in your life and get out of this damn bed and go be happy."

"It's not that easy. The good in my life? That's James and Peter and you. But I keep hurting you." The crack in his voice was indication alone of his mental state; some days were so much harder than others.

"No. You know the only time you ever hurt me, Remus, is when I think I'm not enough for you to be happy. This thing... yeah, it sucks. You're allowed to be angry about it and you can have days like this if you really want. But please merlin, don't say you can't cope. I need you to cope."

Remus nodded into Sirius' chest, relishing in the feeling of his arms around him. Sirius had this uncanny ability to make him feel safe, no matter where or when it was. Like, in the morning after a full moon in the shack. Those mornings he thought that everything might be okay.

"I'm sorry. I love you, you know. But I still don't feel like getting out of bed." Remus spoke softly after a little while, once he was sure he could speak without crying. He wasn't always so emotional, but he'd had a rough few days and Sirius made him feel so much more human.

"Hm, that's okay." Sirius said, and Remus could actually hear the wicked grin in his voice. "I can distract you in bed too." He pointed out.


	23. 7th Year - An Inevitable Love Story

"It's time." Sirius said softly, squeezing Remus' knee as he sat down at the Gryffindor table for breakfast.

"Time for what?" James asked, looking up briefly from his breakfast. He was about to head off to his last match of term, before Christmas break started.

"Breakfast, silly." Sirius replied, without missing a beat, but his eyes conveyed a different message to Remus. No, Remus knew exactly what his boyfriend was saying. It was time for that which James had been waiting for since he'd hit puberty. That which they'd all bet against, and then dared to believe might happen, and then long since gotten tired of waiting for.

But not Remus and Sirius. They'd been working for it, silently, tirelessly. Remus' part had been to help tame James; show him the benefits of not listening to Sirius sometimes. Sirius' job had been to somehow convince Lily to like him and, as a result, give James a chance.

A month ago, the realisation had dawned on Lily Evans that she fancied James Potter. Remus and Sirius had both been there, helping her cope with her subsequent breakdown. And since, they'd been convincing her to ask him out.

"And what a wonderful breakfast time I think it's going to be." Remus replied, barely able to keep a smile from his face.

"Well, duh. It's pancake day." James said, obliviously. "And then I'm going to kick some Ravenclaw arse."

James continued to rant about Quidditch, but neither Remus nor Sirius were listening. They both watched Lily circling the entrance hall a few times, luckily unnoticed by James who had his back to her, muttering to herself rapidly. Remus thought she'd put some lip gloss on, and she'd probably brushed her teeth twice. He'd practically lived off mints when he first started dating Sirius, so he wasn't about to judge her.

Eventually, she straightened her posture and marched in to the Great Hall, right up to James.

"Potter." In her nervousness, she was coming across as angry. Remus wasn't expecting that, though it was her underlying emotion at all times so perhaps he should have.

James' expression was priceless. Remus watched him, internally screaming in an odd mixture of both excitement and terror. He knew for a fact Sirius felt the same, because his boyfriend's grip on his knee had now become vice-like.

"Lily. Hi." He cringed, his shoulders folding in anxiously. "Look, if this is about those first years I locked in the broom cupboard-"

"What?" She frowned, folding her arms. "No. It wasn't. I mean, we'll get to _that_ later, but I actually wanted to speak to you." She took a deep breath, and James turned to face her properly. "James. I was wondering if you wanted to go to the ball with me."

James froze, his eyes locked on Lily.

"James?" She waved her hand in front of him, and Remus felt Sirius kick him under the table. That restarted him, and he began to splutter a little.

"Uh- the ball. You and me. Me and you?"

"Yes. That was the idea." Lily attempted a smile, but her nerves were evident. They were starting to attract attention now. It was a rare occurrence to see the Head Boy and Head Girl in such close proximity, not debating loudly on the best way to schedule rounds or deal with troublemakers.

"I… I would love to, Lily Evans."

The grin came suddenly, and it was like seeing James Potter for the first time. Remus thought back briefly to the skinny, arrogant little boy he'd first spoken to in their dorm. Back then, they hadn't a care in the world. James was just an over-confident child with a serious knack for troublemaking. Now, he was an adult. Head Boy, star student and Quidditch player. The girl he'd been in love with for years had just asked him out, and it simply became him. It made everything good about him shine through, and Remus could not have been happier for their friend.

"Excellent." Lily replied, beaming. "Now, let's go and unlock those kids- yeah?" She said, arching an eyebrow sternly.

"Bet you a Galleon they end up in the broom cupboard themselves." Sirius said, laughing as they watched James sheepishly following Lily back out of the hall.

"You're on. Lily wouldn't let him get away with that." Remus replied, rolling his eyes and rubbing his leg to try and ease the pain when Sirius finally let him go.

"Who said James would initiate it?" Sirius replied, sarcastically. "Pity Peter missed this. It's only been years in the making. Where is he?"

"Dunno. He was gone when I got up this morning. Probably spooning that Hufflepuff fifth year." Remus suggested, distastefully.

"Hm. Do you think everything's going to change now?" Sirius asked, resting his head against Remus' arm. Remus thought for a moment. Their relationships were so peculiar, and their group dynamic was unlike anything he'd ever even seen before. They were an intricate network of cogs, working in time so that all of them could keep going. But he wasn't concerned. He'd known Lily since the first train ride to Hogwarts and, if anything, she would strengthen them- not break them.

"Don't worry, Pads. James has loved you a lot longer than he has Lily. He won't forget about you just because he's finally getting some. Look at us- we still spend loads of time with the others, and we're a couple."

"Yeah, but we live together. What happens when we graduate? What are we going to do? We won't be the marauders anymore."

"Sirius Orion Black. We will always be the Marauders." Remus corrected him, firmly. "And what do you always tell me to do? Focus on the good. We're going to get a flat. All of us. We're going to get jobs and eat crappy muggle-food. We'll travel the world and take down you-know-who and then we'll all settle down in stupid, idyllic little houses by the sea. And maybe, one day, there'll be a new generation of awful little pranksters to terrorise the school. Do you think you can live with that?"

"You know something, my dear?" Sirius replied, sighing contentedly. "I think I can."


	24. 7th Year - The Last Day

"It's been pretty great, hasn't it?" Sirius said, staring up at the sunny blue skies of the great hall. He was trying to look happy and eager, but failing miserably. Their finale pranks were over. Their exams had all been sat. Their last day of Hogwarts had finally dawned on them, and it had left Remus with a horrible, endless sensation in his stomach. A dark pit he wasn't quite sure what to do with.

"It's been perfect." He replied softly. They were waiting for James, Lily and Peter who had journeyed to the kitchens one last time to collect some snacks for the train.

"And you've been perfect, Remus. Addict. Wolf. Anxiety-riddled idiot. You're perfect."

"Perfection is a construct developed by society to force people into materialism, consumption and hating themselves."

"We're all slaves to capitalism, doesn't mean I don't mean it." Sirius replied, grinning. "Because I do, Remy. I love you. And this is all going to work out, isn't it? We're all going to be okay?" Remus heard the tears in his boyfriend's speech before he saw them, and instantly he was hugging him to his chest.

"Yes, of course. Of course we're going to be okay. We're just leaving school, Sirius. It's just a part of life. We'll get by." Remus told him, trying to convince himself too. He honestly knew very little about the future. Aside from moving in to the flat that James had arranged, he had no idea what they would do. He would have to try and find work, somehow, so that Sirius wasn't using up his savings for everything. He'd want to fight too, probably, and bring down Voldemort.

"If you say so." Sirius sighed against him.

"Oi! Come on, lovebirds! We've got a train to catch." James' obnoxious voice graced the silence of the hall. Remus looked up and saw them stood in the doorway. James, grinning brilliantly. On his arm was Lily Evans, Remus' first friend, smiling just as widely. To their left stood Peter, looking as tired and nervous as Remus felt.

"Alright prongs, keep your antlers on. We're coming." Sirius called, plastering a smile on his face. The arrogant, boisterous façade returned and he dragged Remus over to the others, seemingly excitedly.

"Antlers?" Lily asked, arching an eyebrow in what Remus could only describe as amusement and suspicion. He couldn't help but laugh, wondering how on earth James was going to explain that to his dearly beloved. He should probably have told her the whole truth when he'd confessed about Remus' affliction.

"It's a long story." James said, uneasily, rubbing the back of his neck.

"That's alright, darling, we have a seven hour train ride ahead of us. That should be enough." Lily replied, sweetly, blatantly enjoying watching him suffer.

Remus punched Sirius to get him to stop laughing, barely able to keep himself quiet too. Peter was beyond help. James took it in his stride, wrapping his arm around Lily's shoulders.

"Well, my dear, it all started with four boys. Let's call them, the Marauders…"

As James began to recount the tale, exaggerating and adapting his way through most of it, Remus wrapped his hand around Sirius'. Looking back to his first night at Hogwarts, all he'd expected was a few weeks of education before he got kicked out, or they demanded he be removed. But not even his wildest dreams had dared to imagine seven long, mostly happy, years spent with friends. No, family now.

He'd changed a lot, he thought. Time had changed them all. But he held one truth as closely as he did his very first night in the castle. That even if everything went horribly wrong, even if he ended up with nothing in the world, he would always have his memories. He would have always had these seven years and these wonderful people. He would always have been a Marauder.

 **D**


End file.
